Fiction: She's So Analog

"You know, there have been lots of great advances in technology over the past decade."

I say this to a friend as I watch her computer boot up for the first time. I have been eyeballing this p.o.s. in the corner of her apartment for a week now and have been dreading having to actually deal with it on a daily basis. But my excuses have run dry and she has cornered me this morning; she wants Microsoft Office and will wait no longer. White characters float up a black background as the hard drive chugs, clucking like an angry chicken. We sit silently for another minute watching the thing try to come to life. I sigh.

"You mean like CD's," she replies.

My eyes flash to the front of her tower in a panic and seeing only a floppy drive there, I laugh out loud in spite of myself. I put the DVD's and flash drives I'd brought over back in my bag and throw it aside. Perhaps we can download Open Office.

"Yes, CD-Rom drives were a real breakthrough. In 1996."

She points to the dusty floppy drive on the front of her tower reverently and asks "Can't we use this?" Squinting at the offending drive, I realize there is a disc inside of it and that's what's been preventing Windows from loading. I eject the disc and ask her if there's anymore wine left in the fridge. I continue talking in her direction as she leaves for the kitchen.

"Hon, if you were a caveman who was visiting us from the past, you still wouldn't use it."

She re-enters the room and hands me a cold, half-filled bottle of white wine from the night before and a wine glass. I pop the cork but discard the glass.

"Then why do they even have them," she asks defiantly.

"The Amish love them," I deadpan, "because it reminds them why they hate us."

Windows 98 Second Edition finally starts to comes up. I start to voice my fear that Open Office won't even run on this but instead take a swig from the wine bottle. By now, my friend is back beside me and eyes the Win 98 splash screen. "Is that okay to have?"

I tell her "Not really," before taking another sip of wine. A long sip. She continues looking at me wanting more of an explanation.

"Remember that caveman?"

She groans, now tired of all this, and pleads for my help in creating a Word doc. I show her the Google Docs web site.

"So how do we fix all this," she finally asks, making one last stand as I finish off the wine.

"Use your iPhone."

Fiction: Email

Mark reads in bed. Jamie works at a laptop at a desk nearby.


Jamie: Remember when spam was nothing worse than that weekly email from your aunt?

Mark: My grandmother still sends her emails to the wrong person. Every. Single. Time.

Jamie: And this email from the faux Maiduguri prince.

Mark: Why ‘faux?’

Jamie: He misspells ‘Maiduguri’ but seems to know an awful lot about how PayPal works.

Mark (absently): Right.

Jamie: …and this email from Kathy.

Mark: (puts book down, looks up questioningly)

Jamie: She was the one I thought was the one and almost moved to Canada with. But we couldn’t stop fighting about absolutely nothing until she finally broke up with me through Fed Ex.

Mark: (long silence) The Tori Amos fan?

Jamie: Right!

Mark: Right. What does she say?

Jamie: She says she still hates me and the only reason she doesn’t wish me dead is that she wants to kill me herself.

Mark just stares at Jamie…

Jamie: …and if I admit that I was a douche to her, she will talk to me again.

Mark: Were you a douche?

Jamie: (long silence) Probably.

Mark (nonplussed): Well, there you go.

Mark turns out light and rolls over, leaving Jamie illuminated only by the computer screen

Jamie: There were some smileys in there, too.

Fiction: Break-Up at HP

Living room. Seated on separate couches, Mark works on his laptop while Jamie Facebooks on his.


Jamie: (gasps at screen) Wow, when did Andy and Steph break up?

Mark: Last month. Right after he got her into an advance screening of Harry Potter, she told him in the parking lot.

Jamie: Severusly?

Mark: Jamie, this isn't funny…

Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) Oh, I think it's very funny...

Mark: They were together a long time...

Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) ...cause she cheated on him like five times…

Mark: They both really tried …

Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) ...twice in his own effing house…

Mark: And now it's time that they both just move on.

Jamie: ...and now SHE breaks up with HIM?!

(beat, silence)

Mark: Look, just say it.

Jamie: What?

Mark: I know what you’re gonna say so just say it now and get it over with.

Jamie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Mark: Just. Say. It.

Jamie: (shakes head innocently)

(M starts typing again, long silence)

Jamie: She’s a Horcrux.

Mark: You are such a douchebag.

Fiction: Pep Talk

Mark: (dressing for work)  What are we doing for lunch today?


Jamie:  It's 7am, Mark.  Am I still not in bed here??


Mark: I need pleasant thoughts to get me through the day.


Jamie:  I'm unemployed, it's August, we're in Jersey City and it's 100 degrees out there.  Fuck your pleasant thoughts.  I'm not getting out of this bed.


Mark: "Life is..."


Jamie:  (stares)


Mark: "Umm..."


Jamie:  (stares)


Mark: "Life is like exercise.  If you're not sweating, you're probably not accomplishing anything."


Jamie:  "Coming from someone who's spent every summer of his life in New England, that means absolutely nothing to me."

Fiction: WoW Fight

(While exiting the theater, Jamie checks his cell phone and they both drift towards the refreshment stand)


Mark: So, the 'Avatar' trailer…


Jamie: Hmm…


Mark: (smiling) Sort of vindicates all that 'FernGully' fanfic I used to write.


Jamie: (laughs easily) Ha. Right. I don’t know whether to watch 'Tron' when I get home or go right to making dirty things in Adobe Flash.


(Both arrive at refreshment stand and take their place in line)


Jamie: (shows Mark his cell phone) Look at all this money I have in "FarmTown."


Mark: (shakes head) You know that’s not real, right?


Jamie: (still studying cell phone) Big harvest tonight at 2.


Mark: You were a little easier to take when you were just playing WoW.


Jamie: (grimaces good-naturedly)


Mark: The Lich King expansion changed the whole game. You should come back.


(Finally, they arrive at front of refreshment line and Jamie puts cell phone away)


Jamie: (to cashier) Two cappuccinos, please.


Jamie: (to Mark) Do they let you buy houses yet?


Mark: No.


Jamie: Can I have your blue armor?


Mark: No.


Jamie: Can I have your mount?


Mark: No.


Jamie: Can I go on raids with you?


Mark: (hesitates) No.


Jamie: (stares at Mark)


(Uncomfortable silence.  Jamie leans into Mark, begins to straighten his tie and resumes speaking evenly but slightly softer)


Jamie: Well, maybe you should go to the party tonight with the Lich King…


(Jamie pulls Mark’s tie tight)


Jamie: (raises chin and whispers into Mark’s ear) …and then afterward, you two can fuck yourselves.


(Jamie leaves. Mark turns to watch him leave then turns back to the just-returned refreshment girl)


Refreshment Girl: (places two cups on counter in front of Mark) Two cappuccinos.  $9.75.


(Mark stares at drinks)


Refreshment Girl: You could have let him have the armor but now you're gonna have to give him the mount.


(Mark stares at Refreshment Girl)

Fiction: Summer Films

Jamie: That screening of Julie & Julia had more Cougars in it than that stupid animal show you watch.


Mark: Was it worse than (500) Days?


Jamie: The people in (500) Days were harmless. Was just five older couples and one old Asian man obviously confused by the number and parentheses in the title.


Mark: He thought it was about math.


Jamie: Yeah.


Mark: What about Transformers 2?


Jamie: I didn’t see that. I wouldn’t go near those freaks with a ten-foot pole.

Fiction: You Know How I Know...?

After spending almost a week at his family’s, Mark stops by to pick Jamie up for a film. With his mom and sisters and nephew all busying themselves elsewhere, Mark finds Jamie alone in the computer room.

We join the two in mid-conversation…


Jamie: Why would they think we were gay?


Mark: Well, for one, you seem to be smoking nothing but Virginia Slims Lights now.


Jamie: You KNOW I got those from my sister.


Mark: You’re wearing your mother’s shirt.


Jamie: It’s hot, I change often.


Mark: The shirt says STONEWALL 40.


Jamie: C’mon.


Mark: You had to use your shirt to open that Snapple.


Jamie: (silence)


Mark: You’re sitting in front of a computer playing something called ‘FarmTown.’


Jamie: (stares)


Mark: When I walked in, you were listening to ‘Pretty in Pink.’


Jamie: (turns off comp, stands) Let’s go, we’re going to be late for 'The Ugly Truth.'