Jacked-in People Suck

...because the only thing more annoying than someone's cell phone ringing is hearing that person complain about that ringing.

Agreeing to headline a film that combines the plot from ‘What About Bob’ with the mentally unbalanced lead from ‘Taxi Driver’ was a really bad idea, Sandy.

Anatomy Of A Joke

This morning, someone tells me that Pia Zadora was born in Hoboken, NJ but is disappointed at my lack of interest. Other than complete indifference or utter despair, what other response would be appropriate??

 

Discarded earlier versions of the line went something like:

...I had at that moment such a complete absence of thought or interest on the matter that I imagined at the moment that my current frame of mind was something akin to the negative anti-energy found at the center of a black hole.

...the fact created in me a momentary peaceful void that was so utterly lacking in thought or stimuli that for a moment I thought I had accidentally discovered some kind of ethereal Zen meditation technique.

It was getting late and I had to jump in the shower so I picked the one with the shortest words.

Psychiatrists could save their patients lots of couch-time by asking for a list of installed Facebook apps even before medical insurance is discussed.

When I realized that Word’s automated spellchecker had been disabled all this time, I actually gasped.

If I had to date a font, it would be 'Lucida Sans.' Professional enough to use in a resume but still casual enough to compose that pornographic Gossip Girl fanfiction with.

Marriage For No One

Just a thought: if we outlawed marriage for EVERYONE, how much would this country save in wedding and lawyer fees?

 

Without marriage, we would then demonstrate our undying love for each other in still profound but less expensive ways. With matching t-shirts, for instance. Or possibly branding.

 

Whenever I see someone encouraging another to overshare on Facebook, I think "Oh, will you two just get a blog already."

Oh God, I think “twiggas” just entered the American lexicon.  Right now, I hate Twitter so much.

I think America is just about ready for a Mercury Rising remake with Jeremy Piven in the Baldwin role and Michael Cera as the autistic child.

Newark has more black helicopters flying over it lately than an X-Files cornfield.

Yes, you can judge a book by it's cell phone.

Observation: Basterds Is The New Bill

Oh, Quentin. Using that ‘Cat People’ song in your new film makes me fall in love with you all over again. I forgive you for ‘Death Proof’ and want you back.

Observation: Does This Site Make Me Look Pathetic?

Binge Tweeting followed by the shame of oversharing...

Observation: Believe Me, I DON'T Know Your Mom

Facebook's unrelenting conviction that I know people I don't has strained my already fragile grasp on reality to the point where I've recast my entire childhood with actors from 'Truman Show.'

Observation: Remember My Name

My unbridled enthusiasm for the cast of the ‘Fame’ remake could only be heightened by discovering that Bill Pullman was in there somewhere.

Observation: You Can Always Remove Them Later...

Announcing a new union in your Facebook profile seems to have now replaced the joint HIV test and the sharing of one’s ‘Gilmore Girls’ DVDs as our society’s premiere declaration of serious romantic intent.

Observation: Sosh Net

Some day, someone will look at everything I've ever posted on Facebook and Twitter and...


...not understand.