Fiction: She's So Analog

"You know, there have been lots of great advances in technology over the past decade."

I say this to a friend as I watch her computer boot up for the first time. I have been eyeballing this p.o.s. in the corner of her apartment for a week now and have been dreading having to actually deal with it on a daily basis. But my excuses have run dry and she has cornered me this morning; she wants Microsoft Office and will wait no longer. White characters float up a black background as the hard drive chugs, clucking like an angry chicken. We sit silently for another minute watching the thing try to come to life. I sigh.

"You mean like CD's," she replies.

My eyes flash to the front of her tower in a panic and seeing only a floppy drive there, I laugh out loud in spite of myself. I put the DVD's and flash drives I'd brought over back in my bag and throw it aside. Perhaps we can download Open Office.

"Yes, CD-Rom drives were a real breakthrough. In 1996."

She points to the dusty floppy drive on the front of her tower reverently and asks "Can't we use this?" Squinting at the offending drive, I realize there is a disc inside of it and that's what's been preventing Windows from loading. I eject the disc and ask her if there's anymore wine left in the fridge. I continue talking in her direction as she leaves for the kitchen.

"Hon, if you were a caveman who was visiting us from the past, you still wouldn't use it."

She re-enters the room and hands me a cold, half-filled bottle of white wine from the night before and a wine glass. I pop the cork but discard the glass.

"Then why do they even have them," she asks defiantly.

"The Amish love them," I deadpan, "because it reminds them why they hate us."

Windows 98 Second Edition finally starts to comes up. I start to voice my fear that Open Office won't even run on this but instead take a swig from the wine bottle. By now, my friend is back beside me and eyes the Win 98 splash screen. "Is that okay to have?"

I tell her "Not really," before taking another sip of wine. A long sip. She continues looking at me wanting more of an explanation.

"Remember that caveman?"

She groans, now tired of all this, and pleads for my help in creating a Word doc. I show her the Google Docs web site.

"So how do we fix all this," she finally asks, making one last stand as I finish off the wine.

"Use your iPhone."