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Fiction: Scenes
Originally written 8/09 - 1/10
Re-edited, reorganized, rearranged, regurgitated 4/10
"And there we were all in one place, a generation lost in space."
~~Don McLean
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Scene 1: Email (written 8/1/09)
(Interior – Bedroom. Mark reads in bed. Jamie works at a laptop at a desk nearby.)
Jamie: Remember when spam was nothing worse than that weekly email from your aunt?
Mark: My grandmother still sends her emails to the wrong person. Every. Single. Time.
Jamie: And this email from the faux Maiduguri prince.
Mark: Why ‘faux?’
Jamie: He misspells ‘Maiduguri’ but seems to know an awful lot about how PayPal works.
Mark (absently): Right.
Jamie: …and this email from Kathy.
Mark: (puts book down, looks up questioningly)
Jamie: (explaining) She was the one I thought was THE ONE and almost moved to Canada with. But we couldn’t stop fighting about absolutely nothing until she finally broke up with me through Fed Ex.
Mark: (long silence) The Tori Amos fan?
Jamie: Right!
Mark: What does she say?
Jamie: She says she still hates me and the only reason she doesn’t wish me dead is that she wants to kill me herself.
(Mark just stares at Jamie…)
Jamie: …and if I admit that I was a douche to her, she will talk to me again.
Mark: Were you a douche?
Jamie: (long silence) Probably.
Mark (nonplussed): Well, there you go.
Mark turns out light and rolls over, leaving Jamie illuminated only by the computer screen
Jamie: There were some smileys in there, too.
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Scene 2: Pep Talk (written 8/28/09)
(Interior – Bedroom.)
Mark: (dressing for work) What are we doing for lunch today?
Jamie (still in bed): It's 7am, Mark. Am I still not in bed here??
Mark: I need pleasant thoughts to get me through the day.
Jamie: I'm unemployed, it's August, we're in Jersey City and it's 100 degrees out there. Fuck your pleasant thoughts. I'm not ever getting out of this bed.
Mark: Life is...
Jamie: (stares)
Mark: Umm...
Jamie: (stares) Yes…?
Mark: Life is like exercise. If you're not sweating, you're probably not accomplishing anything.
Jamie: Coming from someone who has spent every summer of his life in New England, that means absolutely nothing to me.
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Scene 3: Summer Films (written 9/09)
(Jamie and Mark walking out of a theater...)
Jamie: That screening of Julie & Julia had more Cougars in it than that stupid animal show you watch.
Mark: Was it worse than (500) Days?
Jamie: The people in (500) Days were harmless. Was just five older couples and one old Asian man obviously confused by the number and parentheses in the title.
Mark: He thought it was about math.
Jamie: Yeah.
Mark: What about Transformers 2?
Jamie: I didn’t see that. I wouldn’t go near those fucking freaks with a ten-foot pole.
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Scene 4: The Tween in the Drug Store (written 12/03/09)
Standing in line at the drug store, waiting to pay. The tween in front of me approaches the cashier carrying two items and starts a conversation. The Tween is skinny, has blue and red hair and bops to her iPod while talking to the clerk.
“This, I will pay for,” the tween holds a cheap gaudy plastic bracelet between two skinny fingers and places this on the counter between her and the cashier.
“And this, I’m going to steal.” The tween shows the cashier some feminine-looking boxed item - a hefty bottle of perfume from the looks of it - and then slides it into her front hoodie pocket. The pilfered box weighs down the front of her sweatshirt and looks very conspicuous. The tween stares back at the cashier with one raised eyebrow, as if to say "Your move.”
The cashier stares hard at the tween for 15 seconds and finally comes to some kind of decision. She nods once at the tween and charges her for only the bracelet: $1.69. The tween pays and then walks through the security gate at the exit without setting it off, yelling “Thank you,” over her shoulder and giving a curt wave. At no time during this entire procedure did the tween show anything resembling fear.
I’m in front of the cashier now but we both still stare at the exit, at the place we last saw the tween. Finally I ask the cashier, “Who WAS that?”
The cashier sighs and returns her attention to me. “I have no idea.”
"But you admire her?" I ask, although I say that as more of a factual statement than a question.
"God, yes." The cashier looks down at the armful of items I’ve lugged to her counter, almost as if she’s waiting for something from me.
Finally, I understand. “Oh, I’ll be paying for everything,” I tell her.
======================
Scene 5: Family Dinner (written 12/26/09)
Mom: I want to see 'The Lovely Bones.' I may have to go see that by myself.
Jane (Jamie's sister): Oh my God, that looks so sad.
Jamie: I want to see that. I'm sure there's no film you could choose that I wouldn't be willing to see with you.
Mom: I want to see 'Sherlock Holmes,' too.
Jamie: Well, I'm not seeing that.
Mom: Brad Pitt said in People this week that he and Angelina will not be getting married until all couples in all 50 states are granted the same right.
Jane: Aw, that’s nice.
Mom: He specifically said “…until George Clooney is allowed to marry his partner.”
Jamie: Ha. Those two joke with each other in the press all the time.
Mom: You don’t think George Clooney is really gay, then?
Jamie: No, he’s not gay.
Mom: But to say something like that in such a popular magazine…
Jamie: Trust me on this, mom. George Clooney is not gay.
Mom: Well, I don't think anyone is good enough for him.
Jane: I wish he would settle down with Jennifer Aniston.
Jamie: I guess someone eventually has to.
Jane: They would make such a nice couple.
Mom: I just started reading the 'Marley & Me' book.
Jane: But isn’t that ending really sad?
Jamie: Sadder than Aniston's real life? It's close...
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Scene 6: You Know How I Know...? (written 8/28/09)
(Jamie’s mom lets Mark into her house and tells him that Jamie is upstairs. With all family members busying themselves elsewhere in the house, Mark finds Jamie alone in the computer room.)
We join the two in mid-conversation…
Mark: Your mom is very nice but do you think…?
Jamie: What?
Mark: …that she thinks…?
Jamie: Why would they think we were gay?
Mark (motions to the cigarettes next to Jamie): Well, for one, you seem to be smoking nothing but Virginia Slims Lights now.
Jamie: You KNOW I got those from my sister.
Mark: ...you’re wearing your mother’s shirt...
Jamie: I'm doing wash.
Mark: ...it's pink...
Jamie (softly): It's lavender, actually.
Mark: ...you had to use your shirt to open that Snapple...
Jamie: C’mon.
Mark: ...you’re sitting in front of a computer playing something called ‘FarmTown.’
Jamie: (stares)
Mark (motions to the music playing): And your playlists…
Jamie: What’s wrong with my iPod lists?!
Mark: Nothing. If you're a teenage Goth lesbian from 1981.
Jamie: Example?
Mark (gives Jamie a look that says “you know better to ask…”): You have three versions of 'Crimson and Clover.'
Jamie: (turns off comp, stands) Let’s go, we’re going to be late for 'Leap Year.'
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Scene 7: She's So Analog (written 2/19/09)
"You know, there have been lots of great advances in technology over the past decade."
I say this to a friend as I watch her computer boot up for the first time. I have been eyeballing this piece of shit in the corner of her apartment for a week now and have been dreading having to actually deal with it. But my excuses have run dry and she has cornered me this morning; she wants Microsoft Office and will wait no longer. White characters float up a black background as the hard drive chugs, clucking like an angry chicken. We sit silently for another minute watching the thing try to come to life. I sigh.
"Great technology, you mean like CD's," she asks.
My eyes flash to the front of her tower in a panic and seeing only a floppy drive there, I laugh out loud in spite of myself. I put the DVD's and flash drives I'd brought over back in my bag and throw it aside. Perhaps we can download Open Office.
"Yes, CD-Rom drives were a real breakthrough. In 1996."
She points to the dusty floppy drive on the front of her tower reverently and asks "Can't we use this?" Squinting at the offending drive, I realize there is a disc inside of it and that's what's been preventing Windows from loading. I eject the disc and ask her if there's anymore wine left in the fridge. I continue talking in her direction as she leaves for the kitchen.
"Hon, if you were a caveman who was visiting us from the past, you still wouldn't use it."
She re-enters the room and hands me a cold, half-filled bottle of white wine from the night before and a wine glass. I pop the cork but discard the glass.
"Then why do they even have them," she asks defiantly.
"The Amish love them," I deadpan, "because it reminds them why they hate us."
Windows 98 Second Edition finally starts to comes up. I start to voice my fear that Open Office won't even run on this but instead take a swig from the wine bottle. By now, my friend is back beside me and eyes the Win 98 splash screen. "Is that okay to have?"
I tell her "Not really," before taking another sip of wine. A long sip. She continues looking at me wanting more of an explanation.
"Remember that caveman?"
She groans, now tired of all this, and pleads for my help in creating a Word doc. I show her the Google Docs web site.
"So how do we fix all this," she finally asks, making one last stand as I finish off the wine.
"Use your iPhone."
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Scene 8: Hardware/Software (written 2/13/10)
(Interior - Jane and David's apartment. David fumbles at a desktop computer.)
David: Jane, I need you!
Jane enters their computer room, holding a cup of coffee.
David: I have no sound here. Do you think we should return it?
Jane: (thinks for a second) Are the speakers plugged in to the right port?
David: Yes.
Jane: Are they turned on?
David: Yes.
Jane: Is the volume up?
David: (frustrated) YES. I checked all that stupid-guy stuff already and I’m certain it’s some kind of software problem.
(Without moving a muscle, Jane considers David and then the entire system from where she stands. Finally, she leans over him, brings up VOLUME CONTROL, unchecks MUTE and then silently leaves the room.)
David brings up a sound box and hits PLAY a few times and gets sound. DING. DING. DING.
David: (over his shoulder at the departing Jane) Thank you!
David goes back to work on the computer, still flustered.
David: (making a face, to himself in a soft, mocking voice) Ooo, I’m just a stupid hardware guy…
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Scene 9: Fashion
Mark (talking to Jamie on cell): I'm killing time at the mall right now, do you need anything?
Jamie (on cell): Ummm, anything black.
Mark: ...
Jamie: An overcoat that flaps in the wind.
Mark: ...
Jamie: Something with a deep hood.
Mark: ...
Jamie: Skin-tight leather gloves and a long scarf.
Mark: ...
Jamie: Basically, anything good enough for Batman or Amelia Earhart is good enough for me.
Mark: Black is not a color, Jamie. It is the ABSENCE of color. And if you keep wearing this stuff, you will then be dealing with the absence of me.
Jamie: ...
Mark: And that shirt and slacks you wore last night? They were two different shades of black. Which means you failed at being both a Goth poseur and a ninja.
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Scene 10: Blogs
Jamie (fumbling at a desktop): Where is that security program?
Mark: If you really don't want anyone to read what you write, you should use 512k bit encryption. Or just post it on your blog.
(awkward silence)
Jamie: My writing is fine.
Mark: The thing with your writing is that no one ever gets it.
Jamie: ...
Mark (trying to explain): It's too esoteric, too specialized; you never gives anyone any ins.
Jamie: ...
Mark (softening): It's like James Joyce explaining the Da Vinci Code. Seven fucking email paragraphs from you and I still didn't know if you wanted to meet for pizza or not.
Jamie: ...
Mark (backpedaling, trying to joke now): Our friends keep asking me what's wrong with you because all anyone understands in them are the emoticons.
(long silence)
Jamie (clears throat): I'm actually very comfortable with no one reading my blog. It's symbiotic; they don't feel bad for not acknowledging me and I don't feel bad for not posting anything.
Mark (summing up): I think they don't read you for the same reason they don't read 'Ulysses.' It's just too many words.
Jamie: That's two James Joyce comparisons...
Mark: But neither was a compliment.
======================
Scene 11: Break-Up at HP (scene written 8/14/09)
(Living room. Seated on separate couches, Mark works on his laptop while Jamie surfs on his.)
Jamie: Stranding me on Twitter with no one to talk to is about as mean as leaving me behind at a sewing store.
Mark: But with many less points…
Jamie: …but many more senseless pricks. Do you think Google Buzz will be the death of Twitter?
Mark: I think Twitter is already the death of Twitter. But I love how you talk to the celebs on there like they’re real people. That’s cute:)
Jamie (now looking on Facebook): Dave hasn't found a job yet?!
Mark: Well, he's not really looking. He said he's not getting one until he hits level 80 in WoW.
(silence as they both consider this)
Jamie: Yeah, well, Dave is a moron.
(pause, Jamie surfs some more profiles...)
Jamie (chuckles): The Facebook relationship announcement seems to have now replaced the joint HIV test and the sharing of one’s ‘Gilmore Girls’ DVDs as our society’s premiere declaration of serious romantic intent.
Jamie: (gasps at screen) Wow, when did Andy and Steph break up?
Mark: Last month. Right after he got her into an advance screening of Harry Potter, she told him in the parking lot.
Jamie: Severusly?
Mark: Jamie, this isn't funny…
Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) Oh, I think it's very funny...
Mark: They were together a long time...
Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) ...cause she cheated on him like five times…
Mark: They both really tried …
Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) ...twice in his own effing house…
Mark: And now it's time that they both just move on.
Jamie: ...and now SHE breaks up with HIM?!
(beat, silence)
Mark: Look, just say it.
Jamie: What?
Mark: I know what you’re gonna say so just say it now and get it over with.
Jamie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mark: Just. Say. It.
Jamie: (shakes head innocently)
(Mark returns to his work, long silence)
Jamie: She’s a Horcrux.
Mark: You are such a douchebag.
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Scene 12: WoW Fight (scene written 8/22/09)
(While exiting the theater into the mall, Jamie checks his cell phone and him and Mark both drift towards Starbucks...)
Mark: So, 'Avatar' …
Jamie: Hmm…
Mark: (smiling) Sort of vindicates all that 'FernGully' fanfic I used to write.
Jamie: (laughs easily) One day, a film will use 3D and perfect CGI in ways that will actually enhance the narrative experience and not feel like a tacked-on gimmick. And I still won't see it...
Mark: Do you think we should have told the manager on that guy behind us who kept saying he wanted to “...smash that Saldana alien?”
(Both arrive at Starbucks and take their place in line)
Jamie: (shows Mark his cell phone) Look at all this money I have in "FarmTown."
Mark: (shakes head) You know that’s not real, right?
Jamie: (still studying cell phone) Wish people would stop sending me banana trees. They’re making my farm look like Vietnam.
Mark: You know, you were a little easier to take when you were just playing WoW.
Jamie: (grimaces good-naturedly)
Mark: The Lich King expansion changed the whole game. You should come back.
(Finally, they arrive at front of line and Jamie puts cell phone away)
Jamie: (to Starbucks cashier) Two cappuccinos, please.
Jamie: (to Mark) Do they let you buy houses yet?
Mark: No.
Jamie: Can I have your blue armor?
Mark: No.
Jamie: Can I have your mount?
Mark: No.
Jamie: Can I go on raids with you?
Mark: (hesitates) No.
Jamie: (stares at Mark)
(Uncomfortable silence. Jamie leans into Mark, begins to straighten his tie and resumes speaking evenly but slightly softer)
Jamie: Well, maybe you should go to the party tonight with the Lich King…
(Jamie pulls Mark’s tie tight)
Jamie: (raises chin and whispers into Mark’s ear) …and then afterward, you two can fuck yourselves.
(Jamie leaves. Mark turns to watch him leave then turns back to the just-returned Starbucks girl)
Starbucks Girl: (places two cups on counter in front of Mark) Two cappuccinos. $9.75 please.
(Mark stares at drinks)
Starbucks Girl: You could have let him have the armor but now you're gonna have to give him the mount.
(Mark stares at Starbucks Girl)
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Scene 13: Coda
(Mark and Jamie walk down a city street. Knapsacks over shoulders, Jamie folds up a newspaper and sticks it under his arm)
Jamie (holds up newsprint-covered hands) : Look at this. 2010 and you still can't read one without ending up looking like a mechanic.
Mark: There is a solution to that. It's called the iPad.
(a beat)
Mark: So how are you?
Jamie (answers too quickly): I'm fine.
Mark: No, really.
Jamie: On a scale of ONE to TEN?
Mark: Yeah.
Jamie: Where would mediocre be on that?
Mark: I don't know... FIVE?
Jamie: Wait, what would ONE be...?
Mark: ONE would be... unhappy?
Jamie: No, ONE is miserable...
Mark: Miserable?
Jamie: No, wait. ONE is suicidal and TWO is miserable.
Mark: Jesus Christ, Jamie.
Jamie (on a roll now): THREE is despairing...
Mark: ...
Jamie: Then depressed...
Mark: ...
Jamie: And somewhere in there, you'd have to fit disheartened, dejected, downhearted...
Mark: ...
Jamie: ...dispirited, discouraged, despondent, disconsolate...
Mark: Anything else?
Jamie: Discontent.
(they stop)
Mark: We've walked three blocks past our stop.
Jamie (points south): No, I'm going that way.
(An awkward moment)
Mark: So, you're...?
Jamie: Yeah, I'm fine.
Mark (momentarily nostalgic): Remember we had that thing with "How are you?" We knew that no one ever wants an honest answer to that question but if we asked it a second time, you had to tell the truth?
Jamie (smiles wistfully): Yeah. (taps Mark lightly on the shoulder with his newspaper) Take care.
(They continue on their separate ways)
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END
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