Afraid of Fonts

What fonts worry you?

Book Antigua. Concealing millennia of madness and mayhem underneath that staid British-librarian surface.

Symbol.  Mocking me in a dialect I’ll never understand.

Wingdings.  Festive and jolly symbols I’ll never have reason or occasion to use:(

Arial.  You can tell that beneath the seemingly normal exterior beats the cold black heart of a serial killer.   

Arial Narrow.   So repressed but never brave enough to come out of the closet. 

Agreeing to headline a film that combines the plot from ‘What About Bob’ with the mentally unbalanced lead from ‘Taxi Driver’ was a really bad idea, Sandy.

Anatomy Of A Joke

This morning, someone tells me that Pia Zadora was born in Hoboken, NJ but is disappointed at my lack of interest. Other than complete indifference or utter despair, what other response would be appropriate??

 

Discarded earlier versions of the line went something like:

...I had at that moment such a complete absence of thought or interest on the matter that I imagined at the moment that my current frame of mind was something akin to the negative anti-energy found at the center of a black hole.

...the fact created in me a momentary peaceful void that was so utterly lacking in thought or stimuli that for a moment I thought I had accidentally discovered some kind of ethereal Zen meditation technique.

It was getting late and I had to jump in the shower so I picked the one with the shortest words.

Psychiatrists could save their patients lots of couch-time by asking for a list of installed Facebook apps even before medical insurance is discussed.

When I realized that Word’s automated spellchecker had been disabled all this time, I actually gasped.

"No one is good enough for him."
-----my mom, on George Clooney's dating prospects

"Trying is the first step towards failure."

"Did you just say "LOL" instead of laughing?"

If I had to date a font, it would be 'Lucida Sans.' Professional enough to use in a resume but still casual enough to compose that pornographic Gossip Girl fanfiction with.

Marriage For No One

Just a thought: if we outlawed marriage for EVERYONE, how much would this country save in wedding and lawyer fees?

 

Without marriage, we would then demonstrate our undying love for each other in still profound but less expensive ways. With matching t-shirts, for instance. Or possibly branding.

 

Whenever I see someone encouraging another to overshare on Facebook, I think "Oh, will you two just get a blog already."

Oh God, I think “twiggas” just entered the American lexicon.  Right now, I hate Twitter so much.

I think America is just about ready for a Mercury Rising remake with Jeremy Piven in the Baldwin role and Michael Cera as the autistic child.

"That haircut Bruce Willis has in Surrogates better be a plot-point."

"He’s really let his farm go on Facebook. Clearly, he’s very troubled."

Newark has more black helicopters flying over it lately than an X-Files cornfield.

Siskel & Ebert on YouTube

Once in a while, I stumble across something on the Internet that's such a perfect fit for the medium, just such an utter joy to lose oneself in, that I wonder if I'll ever move on to something else.

Siskel & Ebert reviews on YouTube, taken from their television show At the Movies, broken up into bite-sized film-by-film bits.

Non-Fiction: Movie City Boos

I don’t think I’ve ever seen such reprehensibly juvenile behavior by three “professionals” on a public blog as I did last Friday night.

 

The place was The Hot Blog, singlehandedly run by David Poland.  Poland is a “Hollywood insider,” which in blogosphere terms means he doesn’t have the discipline or inclination to write a few film reviews each week but instead writes whenever and whatever he wants.  Poland is a mostly innocuous writer not terribly concerned with proper grammar or spelling who during the past few years seems to drone on about only two subjects: how fellow blogger Nikki Finke’s dishonesty and low character are destroying the film industry and the minutiae of box office gross.  Neither topic is very interesting to begin with and Poland’s uncreative presentation and his articles' 1,000+ word counts make them even less so.

 

It was Poland who initiated this Friday night fracas by posting a devastatingly distasteful joke about the recent death of DJ Adam Goldstein.  VERY recent as the case may be as the joke was posted mere hours after his death was first announced at east coast supper time.

 

Not going to reprint the joke here because it sucked and Poland sucked for posting it.  And his readers wasted no time in telling him so in that joke’s comments section.  Poland began trying to defend himself at once with comments along the line of “The only reason this guy is a news story is who he slept with and a crash he survived. I don't have a lot of sympathy for people abusing drugs, f-ing it up, and then being treated like they were innocents.”

 

Then things got weird. 

 

Hot Blog reader Joe Leydon asked “So David, I'm curious: At what point did you decide you needed to sink to Jeff Wells' level?”

 

For those not in the know, Jeffrey Wells is another Hollywood insider who runs his own film blog called 'Hollywood Elsewhere.'  It’s similar to Poland’s site and covers much the same material but whereas Poland is just a lousy boring writer, Wells is quite batshit insane.

 

Wells is a misanthrope.  That’s a pretty melodramatic word but there exists no better description of the guy.  Unlike Poland, who has actually done something and created the film portal 'Movie City News' which now employs many writers, Wells hasn’t done much of anything these past fifteen years except bounce from job to job before finally opening his own site called 'Hollywood Elsewhere.'  Wells is the kind of guy that will ask for donations for his site and then dive into his own readers’ comments and attack anyone questioning his tact in doing so.  I remember one of Wells’ retorts as something along the lines of “They’re called 'donations,' asshole.  Not 'asking for a hand-out.'”

 

Anyways, Jeffrey Wells hates people and frequently writes all kind of attacks on the people who harshed his mellow that day.  Women, the overweight, slow NYC walkers, red state republicans, waterdogs, the foreigners who live above him and people who wear low thread count clothing are just some of the groups he’s taken aim at this year.  Perhaps some of these attacks could have been amusing in a Seinfeld meets Andy Rooney kind of way if they didn’t drip with such venom.

 

Just last June, Jezebel.com ran a story criticizing a Wells' article entitled “Just Hot Enough” in which he stated "Life would be heavenly and rhapsodic if women had the personality and temperament of dogs -- forever loyal, non-judgmental, constantly affectionate."  You get the idea what kind of guy he is.

 

So back to last Friday night at the Hot Blog.  Leydon makes an offhand remark accusing Poland of sinking to Wells’ level and 10 hours later, Wells comes barreling over and posts a five ‘graph attack on Leydon.   Somewhat humorously, Wells makes the mistake of double-posting his reply, making himself look more like an ass.  Another reader picks apart Wells’ Leydon attack and Wells comes back for one more hateful reply that ends in “God, I hate internet scum.”

Back to the topic of Goldstein's death, the back and forth between Poland and his readers continued for a bit, with the majority of them basically asking "What's wrong with you" and Poland trying in vain to defend himself.

"Come on David... you're better than this."

~Mr. F.

 "I will save my sad solemnity for people who have BEEN abused, like the little girl who was kidnapped, raped, and kept by a lunatic for over a decade."

~David Poland

"Wow-could you pick a bigger polar opposite to defend your point?  You consider DJ AM to be a 'minor' celebrity, or you wouldn't dare post that poll. Would you ever have had a similar poll about Heath Ledger following his death?"

~Jack Walsh

"This is one of the stupidest, shallowest and most revealing things I've ever read on your blog, David."

~boltbucket

"At first, The Over-Reactors go all end-of-the-world on a crude, but topical joke...  I can't defend this as the best or most sophisticated joke in the world. But it's not about DJ AM... it's about the media culture.  Suddenly, this blog entry has turned into a Bruno conversation..."
~David Poland

Then film critic Glenn Kenny showed up and things just got surreal.

Kenny was one of the lead film critics for Premiere magazine and had, in my view, a pretty sterling reputation up until this incident.  He's mostly just run his own film blog, Some Came Running, which is smaller, more niche and more personal than either of Wells and Poland's larger offerings, while contributing articles to other high class sites and magazines.  Kenny recently received some acclaim for a small but pivotal role in Steven Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience.

And the first comment he made on this topic was mostly fine:

"Poland, your whole LIFE is a Bruno conversation.  And remember, chief, DJ AM had parents...just like you. You tough-minded, call-it-like-you-see-it, ethics arbiter, and cheap (not to mention unoriginal) joke concocter, you."

Sort of snarky and kind of arrogant but basically echoing what most of the other readers had been telling Poland all along: You were WRONG.  Poland immediately replies in an even nastier tone which then brings a reply from Kenny in which he attacks Poland's looks that was shocking in it's childishness and malice.

The threats between the two degenerated quickly into:

"...I just hope I never end up in the same room with you."

~Glenn Kenny

"Boo, mutherfucker. Boo hoo."

~Poland

"Just one thing: watch the way you throw around the word "motherfucker." Seriously."

~Kenny

Eventually, everyone got tired of the bullshit and drifted away but not before all three leads revealed their staggeringly low character.  I can't even use the cliche of being drawn to a car wreck here.  The whole thing was ugly and petty and I just wanted to get away.

At it's best, the Internet can bring people together, especially during times of grief.  When director John Hughes died this past summer, Alison Byrne Fields shared a heartfelt personal experience she'd had with him and over 1,300 readers stopped by her blog in not only consolation for her loss but also to share how they themselves felt touched by the films Hughes had made.

On the night Poland's grudge match was taking place, there was an enormous outpouring of affection for Adam Goldstein on Twitter, both from the people that knew him intimately and others who were only close to someone who did.  The comments I read there into that night were genuine and respectful and humane.  People did love Adam Goldstein and felt great loss as a result of his passing but that sense would have been lost to you if you happened to be in the midst of the Hot Blog's shenanigans on that night.  Instead, visitors and guests got to experience that host's rude jokes and an eventual shoving match between three industry "professionals" which diminished everyone that stood by and watched.


Disgusted.  Deal-breaker.  Game-changer.  Bookmarks to all three sites deleted.  And thanks guys, for lowering the bar on Internet writing everywhere.  All three of you should be ashamed of yourself.

Anyone with further questions on why life would be easier if women behaved more like dogs can reach Jeffrey Wells on his current cell # at 310.279.7696.  Your welcome.

CC: David Poland

CC: Jeffrey Wells

CC: Glenn Kenny