(phone conversation in progress...)
Jamie: Is the new Madden out yet?
David: No. But I got this new video game. You can go into strip clubs and get a lapdance and the joystick vibrates and then I think you can kill the strippers and rob them.
(long uncomfortable moment of silence...)
Jamie: And you're okay with all that?
David: No.
Jamie: ...
David: I'm not.
Jamie: ...
(long moment of silence...)
David: Do you want to come over tonight?
Jamie: No. Can I speak to my sister, please?
Jane: Yello.
Jamie: That's some prize you got there.
Jane: He's actually been much better lately.
Jamie: Better than what?
TBC 9/22/2010...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Fiction: Scenes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fiction: Scenes
Originally written 8/09 - 1/10
Re-edited, reorganized, rearranged, regurgitated 4/10
"And there we were all in one place, a generation lost in space."
~~Don McLean
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Scene 1: Email (written 8/1/09)
(Interior – Bedroom. Mark reads in bed. Jamie works at a laptop at a desk nearby.)
Jamie: Remember when spam was nothing worse than that weekly email from your aunt?
Mark: My grandmother still sends her emails to the wrong person. Every. Single. Time.
Jamie: And this email from the faux Maiduguri prince.
Mark: Why ‘faux?’
Jamie: He misspells ‘Maiduguri’ but seems to know an awful lot about how PayPal works.
Mark (absently): Right.
Jamie: …and this email from Kathy.
Mark: (puts book down, looks up questioningly)
Jamie: (explaining) She was the one I thought was THE ONE and almost moved to Canada with. But we couldn’t stop fighting about absolutely nothing until she finally broke up with me through Fed Ex.
Mark: (long silence) The Tori Amos fan?
Jamie: Right!
Mark: What does she say?
Jamie: She says she still hates me and the only reason she doesn’t wish me dead is that she wants to kill me herself.
(Mark just stares at Jamie…)
Jamie: …and if I admit that I was a douche to her, she will talk to me again.
Mark: Were you a douche?
Jamie: (long silence) Probably.
Mark (nonplussed): Well, there you go.
Mark turns out light and rolls over, leaving Jamie illuminated only by the computer screen
Jamie: There were some smileys in there, too.
=========================
Scene 2: Pep Talk (written 8/28/09)
(Interior – Bedroom.)
Mark: (dressing for work) What are we doing for lunch today?
Jamie (still in bed): It's 7am, Mark. Am I still not in bed here??
Mark: I need pleasant thoughts to get me through the day.
Jamie: I'm unemployed, it's August, we're in Jersey City and it's 100 degrees out there. Fuck your pleasant thoughts. I'm not ever getting out of this bed.
Mark: Life is...
Jamie: (stares)
Mark: Umm...
Jamie: (stares) Yes…?
Mark: Life is like exercise. If you're not sweating, you're probably not accomplishing anything.
Jamie: Coming from someone who has spent every summer of his life in New England, that means absolutely nothing to me.
=====================
Scene 3: Summer Films (written 9/09)
(Jamie and Mark walking out of a theater...)
Jamie: That screening of Julie & Julia had more Cougars in it than that stupid animal show you watch.
Mark: Was it worse than (500) Days?
Jamie: The people in (500) Days were harmless. Was just five older couples and one old Asian man obviously confused by the number and parentheses in the title.
Mark: He thought it was about math.
Jamie: Yeah.
Mark: What about Transformers 2?
Jamie: I didn’t see that. I wouldn’t go near those fucking freaks with a ten-foot pole.
=======================
Scene 4: The Tween in the Drug Store (written 12/03/09)
Standing in line at the drug store, waiting to pay. The tween in front of me approaches the cashier carrying two items and starts a conversation. The Tween is skinny, has blue and red hair and bops to her iPod while talking to the clerk.
“This, I will pay for,” the tween holds a cheap gaudy plastic bracelet between two skinny fingers and places this on the counter between her and the cashier.
“And this, I’m going to steal.” The tween shows the cashier some feminine-looking boxed item - a hefty bottle of perfume from the looks of it - and then slides it into her front hoodie pocket. The pilfered box weighs down the front of her sweatshirt and looks very conspicuous. The tween stares back at the cashier with one raised eyebrow, as if to say "Your move.”
The cashier stares hard at the tween for 15 seconds and finally comes to some kind of decision. She nods once at the tween and charges her for only the bracelet: $1.69. The tween pays and then walks through the security gate at the exit without setting it off, yelling “Thank you,” over her shoulder and giving a curt wave. At no time during this entire procedure did the tween show anything resembling fear.
I’m in front of the cashier now but we both still stare at the exit, at the place we last saw the tween. Finally I ask the cashier, “Who WAS that?”
The cashier sighs and returns her attention to me. “I have no idea.”
"But you admire her?" I ask, although I say that as more of a factual statement than a question.
"God, yes." The cashier looks down at the armful of items I’ve lugged to her counter, almost as if she’s waiting for something from me.
Finally, I understand. “Oh, I’ll be paying for everything,” I tell her.
======================
Scene 5: Family Dinner (written 12/26/09)
Mom: I want to see 'The Lovely Bones.' I may have to go see that by myself.
Jane (Jamie's sister): Oh my God, that looks so sad.
Jamie: I want to see that. I'm sure there's no film you could choose that I wouldn't be willing to see with you.
Mom: I want to see 'Sherlock Holmes,' too.
Jamie: Well, I'm not seeing that.
Mom: Brad Pitt said in People this week that he and Angelina will not be getting married until all couples in all 50 states are granted the same right.
Jane: Aw, that’s nice.
Mom: He specifically said “…until George Clooney is allowed to marry his partner.”
Jamie: Ha. Those two joke with each other in the press all the time.
Mom: You don’t think George Clooney is really gay, then?
Jamie: No, he’s not gay.
Mom: But to say something like that in such a popular magazine…
Jamie: Trust me on this, mom. George Clooney is not gay.
Mom: Well, I don't think anyone is good enough for him.
Jane: I wish he would settle down with Jennifer Aniston.
Jamie: I guess someone eventually has to.
Jane: They would make such a nice couple.
Mom: I just started reading the 'Marley & Me' book.
Jane: But isn’t that ending really sad?
Jamie: Sadder than Aniston's real life? It's close...
===========================
Scene 6: You Know How I Know...? (written 8/28/09)
(Jamie’s mom lets Mark into her house and tells him that Jamie is upstairs. With all family members busying themselves elsewhere in the house, Mark finds Jamie alone in the computer room.)
We join the two in mid-conversation…
Mark: Your mom is very nice but do you think…?
Jamie: What?
Mark: …that she thinks…?
Jamie: Why would they think we were gay?
Mark (motions to the cigarettes next to Jamie): Well, for one, you seem to be smoking nothing but Virginia Slims Lights now.
Jamie: You KNOW I got those from my sister.
Mark: ...you’re wearing your mother’s shirt...
Jamie: I'm doing wash.
Mark: ...it's pink...
Jamie (softly): It's lavender, actually.
Mark: ...you had to use your shirt to open that Snapple...
Jamie: C’mon.
Mark: ...you’re sitting in front of a computer playing something called ‘FarmTown.’
Jamie: (stares)
Mark (motions to the music playing): And your playlists…
Jamie: What’s wrong with my iPod lists?!
Mark: Nothing. If you're a teenage Goth lesbian from 1981.
Jamie: Example?
Mark (gives Jamie a look that says “you know better to ask…”): You have three versions of 'Crimson and Clover.'
Jamie: (turns off comp, stands) Let’s go, we’re going to be late for 'Leap Year.'
==========
Scene 7: She's So Analog (written 2/19/09)
"You know, there have been lots of great advances in technology over the past decade."
I say this to a friend as I watch her computer boot up for the first time. I have been eyeballing this piece of shit in the corner of her apartment for a week now and have been dreading having to actually deal with it. But my excuses have run dry and she has cornered me this morning; she wants Microsoft Office and will wait no longer. White characters float up a black background as the hard drive chugs, clucking like an angry chicken. We sit silently for another minute watching the thing try to come to life. I sigh.
"Great technology, you mean like CD's," she asks.
My eyes flash to the front of her tower in a panic and seeing only a floppy drive there, I laugh out loud in spite of myself. I put the DVD's and flash drives I'd brought over back in my bag and throw it aside. Perhaps we can download Open Office.
"Yes, CD-Rom drives were a real breakthrough. In 1996."
She points to the dusty floppy drive on the front of her tower reverently and asks "Can't we use this?" Squinting at the offending drive, I realize there is a disc inside of it and that's what's been preventing Windows from loading. I eject the disc and ask her if there's anymore wine left in the fridge. I continue talking in her direction as she leaves for the kitchen.
"Hon, if you were a caveman who was visiting us from the past, you still wouldn't use it."
She re-enters the room and hands me a cold, half-filled bottle of white wine from the night before and a wine glass. I pop the cork but discard the glass.
"Then why do they even have them," she asks defiantly.
"The Amish love them," I deadpan, "because it reminds them why they hate us."
Windows 98 Second Edition finally starts to comes up. I start to voice my fear that Open Office won't even run on this but instead take a swig from the wine bottle. By now, my friend is back beside me and eyes the Win 98 splash screen. "Is that okay to have?"
I tell her "Not really," before taking another sip of wine. A long sip. She continues looking at me wanting more of an explanation.
"Remember that caveman?"
She groans, now tired of all this, and pleads for my help in creating a Word doc. I show her the Google Docs web site.
"So how do we fix all this," she finally asks, making one last stand as I finish off the wine.
"Use your iPhone."
================
Scene 8: Hardware/Software (written 2/13/10)
(Interior - Jane and David's apartment. David fumbles at a desktop computer.)
David: Jane, I need you!
Jane enters their computer room, holding a cup of coffee.
David: I have no sound here. Do you think we should return it?
Jane: (thinks for a second) Are the speakers plugged in to the right port?
David: Yes.
Jane: Are they turned on?
David: Yes.
Jane: Is the volume up?
David: (frustrated) YES. I checked all that stupid-guy stuff already and I’m certain it’s some kind of software problem.
(Without moving a muscle, Jane considers David and then the entire system from where she stands. Finally, she leans over him, brings up VOLUME CONTROL, unchecks MUTE and then silently leaves the room.)
David brings up a sound box and hits PLAY a few times and gets sound. DING. DING. DING.
David: (over his shoulder at the departing Jane) Thank you!
David goes back to work on the computer, still flustered.
David: (making a face, to himself in a soft, mocking voice) Ooo, I’m just a stupid hardware guy…
===========
Scene 9: Fashion
Mark (talking to Jamie on cell): I'm killing time at the mall right now, do you need anything?
Jamie (on cell): Ummm, anything black.
Mark: ...
Jamie: An overcoat that flaps in the wind.
Mark: ...
Jamie: Something with a deep hood.
Mark: ...
Jamie: Skin-tight leather gloves and a long scarf.
Mark: ...
Jamie: Basically, anything good enough for Batman or Amelia Earhart is good enough for me.
Mark: Black is not a color, Jamie. It is the ABSENCE of color. And if you keep wearing this stuff, you will then be dealing with the absence of me.
Jamie: ...
Mark: And that shirt and slacks you wore last night? They were two different shades of black. Which means you failed at being both a Goth poseur and a ninja.
===============
Scene 10: Blogs
Jamie (fumbling at a desktop): Where is that security program?
Mark: If you really don't want anyone to read what you write, you should use 512k bit encryption. Or just post it on your blog.
(awkward silence)
Jamie: My writing is fine.
Mark: The thing with your writing is that no one ever gets it.
Jamie: ...
Mark (trying to explain): It's too esoteric, too specialized; you never gives anyone any ins.
Jamie: ...
Mark (softening): It's like James Joyce explaining the Da Vinci Code. Seven fucking email paragraphs from you and I still didn't know if you wanted to meet for pizza or not.
Jamie: ...
Mark (backpedaling, trying to joke now): Our friends keep asking me what's wrong with you because all anyone understands in them are the emoticons.
(long silence)
Jamie (clears throat): I'm actually very comfortable with no one reading my blog. It's symbiotic; they don't feel bad for not acknowledging me and I don't feel bad for not posting anything.
Mark (summing up): I think they don't read you for the same reason they don't read 'Ulysses.' It's just too many words.
Jamie: That's two James Joyce comparisons...
Mark: But neither was a compliment.
======================
Scene 11: Break-Up at HP (scene written 8/14/09)
(Living room. Seated on separate couches, Mark works on his laptop while Jamie surfs on his.)
Jamie: Stranding me on Twitter with no one to talk to is about as mean as leaving me behind at a sewing store.
Mark: But with many less points…
Jamie: …but many more senseless pricks. Do you think Google Buzz will be the death of Twitter?
Mark: I think Twitter is already the death of Twitter. But I love how you talk to the celebs on there like they’re real people. That’s cute:)
Jamie (now looking on Facebook): Dave hasn't found a job yet?!
Mark: Well, he's not really looking. He said he's not getting one until he hits level 80 in WoW.
(silence as they both consider this)
Jamie: Yeah, well, Dave is a moron.
(pause, Jamie surfs some more profiles...)
Jamie (chuckles): The Facebook relationship announcement seems to have now replaced the joint HIV test and the sharing of one’s ‘Gilmore Girls’ DVDs as our society’s premiere declaration of serious romantic intent.
Jamie: (gasps at screen) Wow, when did Andy and Steph break up?
Mark: Last month. Right after he got her into an advance screening of Harry Potter, she told him in the parking lot.
Jamie: Severusly?
Mark: Jamie, this isn't funny…
Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) Oh, I think it's very funny...
Mark: They were together a long time...
Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) ...cause she cheated on him like five times…
Mark: They both really tried …
Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) ...twice in his own effing house…
Mark: And now it's time that they both just move on.
Jamie: ...and now SHE breaks up with HIM?!
(beat, silence)
Mark: Look, just say it.
Jamie: What?
Mark: I know what you’re gonna say so just say it now and get it over with.
Jamie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mark: Just. Say. It.
Jamie: (shakes head innocently)
(Mark returns to his work, long silence)
Jamie: She’s a Horcrux.
Mark: You are such a douchebag.
==========
Scene 12: WoW Fight (scene written 8/22/09)
(While exiting the theater into the mall, Jamie checks his cell phone and him and Mark both drift towards Starbucks...)
Mark: So, 'Avatar' …
Jamie: Hmm…
Mark: (smiling) Sort of vindicates all that 'FernGully' fanfic I used to write.
Jamie: (laughs easily) One day, a film will use 3D and perfect CGI in ways that will actually enhance the narrative experience and not feel like a tacked-on gimmick. And I still won't see it...
Mark: Do you think we should have told the manager on that guy behind us who kept saying he wanted to “...smash that Saldana alien?”
(Both arrive at Starbucks and take their place in line)
Jamie: (shows Mark his cell phone) Look at all this money I have in "FarmTown."
Mark: (shakes head) You know that’s not real, right?
Jamie: (still studying cell phone) Wish people would stop sending me banana trees. They’re making my farm look like Vietnam.
Mark: You know, you were a little easier to take when you were just playing WoW.
Jamie: (grimaces good-naturedly)
Mark: The Lich King expansion changed the whole game. You should come back.
(Finally, they arrive at front of line and Jamie puts cell phone away)
Jamie: (to Starbucks cashier) Two cappuccinos, please.
Jamie: (to Mark) Do they let you buy houses yet?
Mark: No.
Jamie: Can I have your blue armor?
Mark: No.
Jamie: Can I have your mount?
Mark: No.
Jamie: Can I go on raids with you?
Mark: (hesitates) No.
Jamie: (stares at Mark)
(Uncomfortable silence. Jamie leans into Mark, begins to straighten his tie and resumes speaking evenly but slightly softer)
Jamie: Well, maybe you should go to the party tonight with the Lich King…
(Jamie pulls Mark’s tie tight)
Jamie: (raises chin and whispers into Mark’s ear) …and then afterward, you two can fuck yourselves.
(Jamie leaves. Mark turns to watch him leave then turns back to the just-returned Starbucks girl)
Starbucks Girl: (places two cups on counter in front of Mark) Two cappuccinos. $9.75 please.
(Mark stares at drinks)
Starbucks Girl: You could have let him have the armor but now you're gonna have to give him the mount.
(Mark stares at Starbucks Girl)
=======================
Scene 13: Coda
(Mark and Jamie walk down a city street. Knapsacks over shoulders, Jamie folds up a newspaper and sticks it under his arm)
Jamie (holds up newsprint-covered hands) : Look at this. 2010 and you still can't read one without ending up looking like a mechanic.
Mark: There is a solution to that. It's called the iPad.
(a beat)
Mark: So how are you?
Jamie (answers too quickly): I'm fine.
Mark: No, really.
Jamie: On a scale of ONE to TEN?
Mark: Yeah.
Jamie: Where would mediocre be on that?
Mark: I don't know... FIVE?
Jamie: Wait, what would ONE be...?
Mark: ONE would be... unhappy?
Jamie: No, ONE is miserable...
Mark: Miserable?
Jamie: No, wait. ONE is suicidal and TWO is miserable.
Mark: Jesus Christ, Jamie.
Jamie (on a roll now): THREE is despairing...
Mark: ...
Jamie: Then depressed...
Mark: ...
Jamie: And somewhere in there, you'd have to fit disheartened, dejected, downhearted...
Mark: ...
Jamie: ...dispirited, discouraged, despondent, disconsolate...
Mark: Anything else?
Jamie: Discontent.
(they stop)
Mark: We've walked three blocks past our stop.
Jamie (points south): No, I'm going that way.
(An awkward moment)
Mark: So, you're...?
Jamie: Yeah, I'm fine.
Mark (momentarily nostalgic): Remember we had that thing with "How are you?" We knew that no one ever wants an honest answer to that question but if we asked it a second time, you had to tell the truth?
Jamie (smiles wistfully): Yeah. (taps Mark lightly on the shoulder with his newspaper) Take care.
(They continue on their separate ways)
=============
END
-
-
Fiction: Scenes
Originally written 8/09 - 1/10
Re-edited, reorganized, rearranged, regurgitated 4/10
"And there we were all in one place, a generation lost in space."
~~Don McLean
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Scene 1: Email (written 8/1/09)
(Interior – Bedroom. Mark reads in bed. Jamie works at a laptop at a desk nearby.)
Jamie: Remember when spam was nothing worse than that weekly email from your aunt?
Mark: My grandmother still sends her emails to the wrong person. Every. Single. Time.
Jamie: And this email from the faux Maiduguri prince.
Mark: Why ‘faux?’
Jamie: He misspells ‘Maiduguri’ but seems to know an awful lot about how PayPal works.
Mark (absently): Right.
Jamie: …and this email from Kathy.
Mark: (puts book down, looks up questioningly)
Jamie: (explaining) She was the one I thought was THE ONE and almost moved to Canada with. But we couldn’t stop fighting about absolutely nothing until she finally broke up with me through Fed Ex.
Mark: (long silence) The Tori Amos fan?
Jamie: Right!
Mark: What does she say?
Jamie: She says she still hates me and the only reason she doesn’t wish me dead is that she wants to kill me herself.
(Mark just stares at Jamie…)
Jamie: …and if I admit that I was a douche to her, she will talk to me again.
Mark: Were you a douche?
Jamie: (long silence) Probably.
Mark (nonplussed): Well, there you go.
Mark turns out light and rolls over, leaving Jamie illuminated only by the computer screen
Jamie: There were some smileys in there, too.
=========================
Scene 2: Pep Talk (written 8/28/09)
(Interior – Bedroom.)
Mark: (dressing for work) What are we doing for lunch today?
Jamie (still in bed): It's 7am, Mark. Am I still not in bed here??
Mark: I need pleasant thoughts to get me through the day.
Jamie: I'm unemployed, it's August, we're in Jersey City and it's 100 degrees out there. Fuck your pleasant thoughts. I'm not ever getting out of this bed.
Mark: Life is...
Jamie: (stares)
Mark: Umm...
Jamie: (stares) Yes…?
Mark: Life is like exercise. If you're not sweating, you're probably not accomplishing anything.
Jamie: Coming from someone who has spent every summer of his life in New England, that means absolutely nothing to me.
=====================
Scene 3: Summer Films (written 9/09)
(Jamie and Mark walking out of a theater...)
Jamie: That screening of Julie & Julia had more Cougars in it than that stupid animal show you watch.
Mark: Was it worse than (500) Days?
Jamie: The people in (500) Days were harmless. Was just five older couples and one old Asian man obviously confused by the number and parentheses in the title.
Mark: He thought it was about math.
Jamie: Yeah.
Mark: What about Transformers 2?
Jamie: I didn’t see that. I wouldn’t go near those fucking freaks with a ten-foot pole.
=======================
Scene 4: The Tween in the Drug Store (written 12/03/09)
Standing in line at the drug store, waiting to pay. The tween in front of me approaches the cashier carrying two items and starts a conversation. The Tween is skinny, has blue and red hair and bops to her iPod while talking to the clerk.
“This, I will pay for,” the tween holds a cheap gaudy plastic bracelet between two skinny fingers and places this on the counter between her and the cashier.
“And this, I’m going to steal.” The tween shows the cashier some feminine-looking boxed item - a hefty bottle of perfume from the looks of it - and then slides it into her front hoodie pocket. The pilfered box weighs down the front of her sweatshirt and looks very conspicuous. The tween stares back at the cashier with one raised eyebrow, as if to say "Your move.”
The cashier stares hard at the tween for 15 seconds and finally comes to some kind of decision. She nods once at the tween and charges her for only the bracelet: $1.69. The tween pays and then walks through the security gate at the exit without setting it off, yelling “Thank you,” over her shoulder and giving a curt wave. At no time during this entire procedure did the tween show anything resembling fear.
I’m in front of the cashier now but we both still stare at the exit, at the place we last saw the tween. Finally I ask the cashier, “Who WAS that?”
The cashier sighs and returns her attention to me. “I have no idea.”
"But you admire her?" I ask, although I say that as more of a factual statement than a question.
"God, yes." The cashier looks down at the armful of items I’ve lugged to her counter, almost as if she’s waiting for something from me.
Finally, I understand. “Oh, I’ll be paying for everything,” I tell her.
======================
Scene 5: Family Dinner (written 12/26/09)
Mom: I want to see 'The Lovely Bones.' I may have to go see that by myself.
Jane (Jamie's sister): Oh my God, that looks so sad.
Jamie: I want to see that. I'm sure there's no film you could choose that I wouldn't be willing to see with you.
Mom: I want to see 'Sherlock Holmes,' too.
Jamie: Well, I'm not seeing that.
Mom: Brad Pitt said in People this week that he and Angelina will not be getting married until all couples in all 50 states are granted the same right.
Jane: Aw, that’s nice.
Mom: He specifically said “…until George Clooney is allowed to marry his partner.”
Jamie: Ha. Those two joke with each other in the press all the time.
Mom: You don’t think George Clooney is really gay, then?
Jamie: No, he’s not gay.
Mom: But to say something like that in such a popular magazine…
Jamie: Trust me on this, mom. George Clooney is not gay.
Mom: Well, I don't think anyone is good enough for him.
Jane: I wish he would settle down with Jennifer Aniston.
Jamie: I guess someone eventually has to.
Jane: They would make such a nice couple.
Mom: I just started reading the 'Marley & Me' book.
Jane: But isn’t that ending really sad?
Jamie: Sadder than Aniston's real life? It's close...
===========================
Scene 6: You Know How I Know...? (written 8/28/09)
(Jamie’s mom lets Mark into her house and tells him that Jamie is upstairs. With all family members busying themselves elsewhere in the house, Mark finds Jamie alone in the computer room.)
We join the two in mid-conversation…
Mark: Your mom is very nice but do you think…?
Jamie: What?
Mark: …that she thinks…?
Jamie: Why would they think we were gay?
Mark (motions to the cigarettes next to Jamie): Well, for one, you seem to be smoking nothing but Virginia Slims Lights now.
Jamie: You KNOW I got those from my sister.
Mark: ...you’re wearing your mother’s shirt...
Jamie: I'm doing wash.
Mark: ...it's pink...
Jamie (softly): It's lavender, actually.
Mark: ...you had to use your shirt to open that Snapple...
Jamie: C’mon.
Mark: ...you’re sitting in front of a computer playing something called ‘FarmTown.’
Jamie: (stares)
Mark (motions to the music playing): And your playlists…
Jamie: What’s wrong with my iPod lists?!
Mark: Nothing. If you're a teenage Goth lesbian from 1981.
Jamie: Example?
Mark (gives Jamie a look that says “you know better to ask…”): You have three versions of 'Crimson and Clover.'
Jamie: (turns off comp, stands) Let’s go, we’re going to be late for 'Leap Year.'
==========
Scene 7: She's So Analog (written 2/19/09)
"You know, there have been lots of great advances in technology over the past decade."
I say this to a friend as I watch her computer boot up for the first time. I have been eyeballing this piece of shit in the corner of her apartment for a week now and have been dreading having to actually deal with it. But my excuses have run dry and she has cornered me this morning; she wants Microsoft Office and will wait no longer. White characters float up a black background as the hard drive chugs, clucking like an angry chicken. We sit silently for another minute watching the thing try to come to life. I sigh.
"Great technology, you mean like CD's," she asks.
My eyes flash to the front of her tower in a panic and seeing only a floppy drive there, I laugh out loud in spite of myself. I put the DVD's and flash drives I'd brought over back in my bag and throw it aside. Perhaps we can download Open Office.
"Yes, CD-Rom drives were a real breakthrough. In 1996."
She points to the dusty floppy drive on the front of her tower reverently and asks "Can't we use this?" Squinting at the offending drive, I realize there is a disc inside of it and that's what's been preventing Windows from loading. I eject the disc and ask her if there's anymore wine left in the fridge. I continue talking in her direction as she leaves for the kitchen.
"Hon, if you were a caveman who was visiting us from the past, you still wouldn't use it."
She re-enters the room and hands me a cold, half-filled bottle of white wine from the night before and a wine glass. I pop the cork but discard the glass.
"Then why do they even have them," she asks defiantly.
"The Amish love them," I deadpan, "because it reminds them why they hate us."
Windows 98 Second Edition finally starts to comes up. I start to voice my fear that Open Office won't even run on this but instead take a swig from the wine bottle. By now, my friend is back beside me and eyes the Win 98 splash screen. "Is that okay to have?"
I tell her "Not really," before taking another sip of wine. A long sip. She continues looking at me wanting more of an explanation.
"Remember that caveman?"
She groans, now tired of all this, and pleads for my help in creating a Word doc. I show her the Google Docs web site.
"So how do we fix all this," she finally asks, making one last stand as I finish off the wine.
"Use your iPhone."
================
Scene 8: Hardware/Software (written 2/13/10)
(Interior - Jane and David's apartment. David fumbles at a desktop computer.)
David: Jane, I need you!
Jane enters their computer room, holding a cup of coffee.
David: I have no sound here. Do you think we should return it?
Jane: (thinks for a second) Are the speakers plugged in to the right port?
David: Yes.
Jane: Are they turned on?
David: Yes.
Jane: Is the volume up?
David: (frustrated) YES. I checked all that stupid-guy stuff already and I’m certain it’s some kind of software problem.
(Without moving a muscle, Jane considers David and then the entire system from where she stands. Finally, she leans over him, brings up VOLUME CONTROL, unchecks MUTE and then silently leaves the room.)
David brings up a sound box and hits PLAY a few times and gets sound. DING. DING. DING.
David: (over his shoulder at the departing Jane) Thank you!
David goes back to work on the computer, still flustered.
David: (making a face, to himself in a soft, mocking voice) Ooo, I’m just a stupid hardware guy…
===========
Scene 9: Fashion
Mark (talking to Jamie on cell): I'm killing time at the mall right now, do you need anything?
Jamie (on cell): Ummm, anything black.
Mark: ...
Jamie: An overcoat that flaps in the wind.
Mark: ...
Jamie: Something with a deep hood.
Mark: ...
Jamie: Skin-tight leather gloves and a long scarf.
Mark: ...
Jamie: Basically, anything good enough for Batman or Amelia Earhart is good enough for me.
Mark: Black is not a color, Jamie. It is the ABSENCE of color. And if you keep wearing this stuff, you will then be dealing with the absence of me.
Jamie: ...
Mark: And that shirt and slacks you wore last night? They were two different shades of black. Which means you failed at being both a Goth poseur and a ninja.
===============
Scene 10: Blogs
Jamie (fumbling at a desktop): Where is that security program?
Mark: If you really don't want anyone to read what you write, you should use 512k bit encryption. Or just post it on your blog.
(awkward silence)
Jamie: My writing is fine.
Mark: The thing with your writing is that no one ever gets it.
Jamie: ...
Mark (trying to explain): It's too esoteric, too specialized; you never gives anyone any ins.
Jamie: ...
Mark (softening): It's like James Joyce explaining the Da Vinci Code. Seven fucking email paragraphs from you and I still didn't know if you wanted to meet for pizza or not.
Jamie: ...
Mark (backpedaling, trying to joke now): Our friends keep asking me what's wrong with you because all anyone understands in them are the emoticons.
(long silence)
Jamie (clears throat): I'm actually very comfortable with no one reading my blog. It's symbiotic; they don't feel bad for not acknowledging me and I don't feel bad for not posting anything.
Mark (summing up): I think they don't read you for the same reason they don't read 'Ulysses.' It's just too many words.
Jamie: That's two James Joyce comparisons...
Mark: But neither was a compliment.
======================
Scene 11: Break-Up at HP (scene written 8/14/09)
(Living room. Seated on separate couches, Mark works on his laptop while Jamie surfs on his.)
Jamie: Stranding me on Twitter with no one to talk to is about as mean as leaving me behind at a sewing store.
Mark: But with many less points…
Jamie: …but many more senseless pricks. Do you think Google Buzz will be the death of Twitter?
Mark: I think Twitter is already the death of Twitter. But I love how you talk to the celebs on there like they’re real people. That’s cute:)
Jamie (now looking on Facebook): Dave hasn't found a job yet?!
Mark: Well, he's not really looking. He said he's not getting one until he hits level 80 in WoW.
(silence as they both consider this)
Jamie: Yeah, well, Dave is a moron.
(pause, Jamie surfs some more profiles...)
Jamie (chuckles): The Facebook relationship announcement seems to have now replaced the joint HIV test and the sharing of one’s ‘Gilmore Girls’ DVDs as our society’s premiere declaration of serious romantic intent.
Jamie: (gasps at screen) Wow, when did Andy and Steph break up?
Mark: Last month. Right after he got her into an advance screening of Harry Potter, she told him in the parking lot.
Jamie: Severusly?
Mark: Jamie, this isn't funny…
Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) Oh, I think it's very funny...
Mark: They were together a long time...
Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) ...cause she cheated on him like five times…
Mark: They both really tried …
Jamie: (interrupts, raising voice) ...twice in his own effing house…
Mark: And now it's time that they both just move on.
Jamie: ...and now SHE breaks up with HIM?!
(beat, silence)
Mark: Look, just say it.
Jamie: What?
Mark: I know what you’re gonna say so just say it now and get it over with.
Jamie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mark: Just. Say. It.
Jamie: (shakes head innocently)
(Mark returns to his work, long silence)
Jamie: She’s a Horcrux.
Mark: You are such a douchebag.
==========
Scene 12: WoW Fight (scene written 8/22/09)
(While exiting the theater into the mall, Jamie checks his cell phone and him and Mark both drift towards Starbucks...)
Mark: So, 'Avatar' …
Jamie: Hmm…
Mark: (smiling) Sort of vindicates all that 'FernGully' fanfic I used to write.
Jamie: (laughs easily) One day, a film will use 3D and perfect CGI in ways that will actually enhance the narrative experience and not feel like a tacked-on gimmick. And I still won't see it...
Mark: Do you think we should have told the manager on that guy behind us who kept saying he wanted to “...smash that Saldana alien?”
(Both arrive at Starbucks and take their place in line)
Jamie: (shows Mark his cell phone) Look at all this money I have in "FarmTown."
Mark: (shakes head) You know that’s not real, right?
Jamie: (still studying cell phone) Wish people would stop sending me banana trees. They’re making my farm look like Vietnam.
Mark: You know, you were a little easier to take when you were just playing WoW.
Jamie: (grimaces good-naturedly)
Mark: The Lich King expansion changed the whole game. You should come back.
(Finally, they arrive at front of line and Jamie puts cell phone away)
Jamie: (to Starbucks cashier) Two cappuccinos, please.
Jamie: (to Mark) Do they let you buy houses yet?
Mark: No.
Jamie: Can I have your blue armor?
Mark: No.
Jamie: Can I have your mount?
Mark: No.
Jamie: Can I go on raids with you?
Mark: (hesitates) No.
Jamie: (stares at Mark)
(Uncomfortable silence. Jamie leans into Mark, begins to straighten his tie and resumes speaking evenly but slightly softer)
Jamie: Well, maybe you should go to the party tonight with the Lich King…
(Jamie pulls Mark’s tie tight)
Jamie: (raises chin and whispers into Mark’s ear) …and then afterward, you two can fuck yourselves.
(Jamie leaves. Mark turns to watch him leave then turns back to the just-returned Starbucks girl)
Starbucks Girl: (places two cups on counter in front of Mark) Two cappuccinos. $9.75 please.
(Mark stares at drinks)
Starbucks Girl: You could have let him have the armor but now you're gonna have to give him the mount.
(Mark stares at Starbucks Girl)
=======================
Scene 13: Coda
(Mark and Jamie walk down a city street. Knapsacks over shoulders, Jamie folds up a newspaper and sticks it under his arm)
Jamie (holds up newsprint-covered hands) : Look at this. 2010 and you still can't read one without ending up looking like a mechanic.
Mark: There is a solution to that. It's called the iPad.
(a beat)
Mark: So how are you?
Jamie (answers too quickly): I'm fine.
Mark: No, really.
Jamie: On a scale of ONE to TEN?
Mark: Yeah.
Jamie: Where would mediocre be on that?
Mark: I don't know... FIVE?
Jamie: Wait, what would ONE be...?
Mark: ONE would be... unhappy?
Jamie: No, ONE is miserable...
Mark: Miserable?
Jamie: No, wait. ONE is suicidal and TWO is miserable.
Mark: Jesus Christ, Jamie.
Jamie (on a roll now): THREE is despairing...
Mark: ...
Jamie: Then depressed...
Mark: ...
Jamie: And somewhere in there, you'd have to fit disheartened, dejected, downhearted...
Mark: ...
Jamie: ...dispirited, discouraged, despondent, disconsolate...
Mark: Anything else?
Jamie: Discontent.
(they stop)
Mark: We've walked three blocks past our stop.
Jamie (points south): No, I'm going that way.
(An awkward moment)
Mark: So, you're...?
Jamie: Yeah, I'm fine.
Mark (momentarily nostalgic): Remember we had that thing with "How are you?" We knew that no one ever wants an honest answer to that question but if we asked it a second time, you had to tell the truth?
Jamie (smiles wistfully): Yeah. (taps Mark lightly on the shoulder with his newspaper) Take care.
(They continue on their separate ways)
=============
END
-
-
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Top Ten Films: Horror
Subject: 2010 Top Ten Film Project.
The Mission: Compile top ten films of all time in ten genre categories.
Category: Horror.
Comments: You know, for Valentine's Day;)
(work in progress)
The Strangers
thriller - Funny Games (the 2007 remake)
The Vanishing (1988, Netherlands title: Spoorloos)
Paranormal Activity
thriller - The Minus Man
thriller - American Psycho
Halloween (1978)
Suspiria
Honorable Mention:
Good Old Fashioned Scares
American Psycho
28 Days Later
Night of the Living Dead
Day of the Dead (1985)
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Land of the Dead
The Wicker Man (1973)
The Haunting (1963)
The Fog (1980)
The Grudge (2004)
The Ring
The Omen (1976)
Ginger Snaps
Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed
The Mist
Cat People (1982)
Poltergeist
The Descent
House on a Haunted Hill (1959)
A Tale of Two Sisters
Jaws
Emotional / Psychological Torture
(most of these will be moved to Thriller)
Seven
Shallow Grave
Blood Simple
The Hitcher (1986)
Hard Candy
A Clockwork Orange
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Funny Games (remake)
Blue Velvet
The Shining
Cujo
The Crow
Let the Right One In
Audition
Sisters
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
Play Misty for Me
Dressed to Kill (1980)
The Minus Man
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
The Strangers
Antichrist
Mr. Brooks
Manhunter
The Silence of the Lambs
Hannibal
Red Dragon
Hannibal Rising
"Um, would you mind sleeping over tonight?"
The Vanishing (1988 original)
The Blair Witch Project
Eraserhead
Repulsion
The Others
Don't Look Now
The 6th Sense
The Orphanage
The Devil's Backbone
Hip Scary
Scream
Scream 2
The Lost Boys
The Craft
Jennifer's Body
Night of the Comet
Scary for Kids
The Witches
The Worst Witch
Bonus Suggestion:
Twin Peaks TV show (watch one ep a day during all of October)
The Mission: Compile top ten films of all time in ten genre categories.
Category: Horror.
Comments: You know, for Valentine's Day;)
(work in progress)
The Strangers
thriller - Funny Games (the 2007 remake)
The Vanishing (1988, Netherlands title: Spoorloos)
Paranormal Activity
thriller - The Minus Man
thriller - American Psycho
Halloween (1978)
Suspiria
Honorable Mention:
Good Old Fashioned Scares
American Psycho
28 Days Later
Night of the Living Dead
Day of the Dead (1985)
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Land of the Dead
The Wicker Man (1973)
The Haunting (1963)
The Fog (1980)
The Grudge (2004)
The Ring
The Omen (1976)
Ginger Snaps
Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed
The Mist
Cat People (1982)
Poltergeist
The Descent
House on a Haunted Hill (1959)
A Tale of Two Sisters
Jaws
Emotional / Psychological Torture
(most of these will be moved to Thriller)
Seven
Shallow Grave
Blood Simple
The Hitcher (1986)
Hard Candy
A Clockwork Orange
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Funny Games (remake)
Blue Velvet
The Shining
Cujo
The Crow
Let the Right One In
Audition
Sisters
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
Play Misty for Me
Dressed to Kill (1980)
The Minus Man
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
The Strangers
Antichrist
Mr. Brooks
Manhunter
The Silence of the Lambs
Hannibal
Red Dragon
Hannibal Rising
"Um, would you mind sleeping over tonight?"
The Vanishing (1988 original)
The Blair Witch Project
Eraserhead
Repulsion
The Others
Don't Look Now
The 6th Sense
The Orphanage
The Devil's Backbone
Hip Scary
Scream
Scream 2
The Lost Boys
The Craft
Jennifer's Body
Night of the Comet
Scary for Kids
The Witches
The Worst Witch
Bonus Suggestion:
Twin Peaks TV show (watch one ep a day during all of October)
Top Ten Films: Romance
Subject: 2010 Top Ten Film Project.
The Mission: Compile top ten films of all time in ten genre categories.
Category: Romance.
Comments: For Valentine's Day.
(work in progress)
Leaving Las Vegas
Broadcast News
Brokeback Mountain
Sense and Sensibility
Four Weddings and a Funeral
Groundhog Day
Annie Hall
The Truth About Cats and Dogs
Modern Romance
Jerry Maguire
Honorable Mention:
Emma
Pride and Prejudice
Bridget Jones' Diary
Manhattan
The Mission: Compile top ten films of all time in ten genre categories.
Category: Romance.
Comments: For Valentine's Day.
(work in progress)
Leaving Las Vegas
Broadcast News
Brokeback Mountain
Sense and Sensibility
Four Weddings and a Funeral
Groundhog Day
Annie Hall
The Truth About Cats and Dogs
Modern Romance
Jerry Maguire
Honorable Mention:
Emma
Pride and Prejudice
Bridget Jones' Diary
Manhattan
Friday, January 8, 2010
Films 2010
Seen in theaters since Christmas Eve:
Up in the Air x2
Did You Hear About the Morgans?
A Single Man
An Education
Avatar x2
Sherlock Holmes
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Leap Year
Up in the Air x2
Did You Hear About the Morgans?
A Single Man
An Education
Avatar x2
Sherlock Holmes
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Leap Year
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Evolution of a Moron
One year's worth of Facebook Status Updates. All in an orderly list, all in one place.
Compiling them seemed like a good idea at the time, like it would be a fun project to do over Christmas break.
Facebook 2009 Status Updates
Kind of sobering and embarrassing, really. Agonizing, if you want to know the truth.
But a good reminder that I'm not nearly as clever as I think I am; The year of living insufferably.
Compiling them seemed like a good idea at the time, like it would be a fun project to do over Christmas break.
Facebook 2009 Status Updates
Kind of sobering and embarrassing, really. Agonizing, if you want to know the truth.
But a good reminder that I'm not nearly as clever as I think I am; The year of living insufferably.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Pre-Nom Oscar Conversation
Email Conversation held December 31, 2009 through January 2, 2010
Rich:
So what did you think of ‘Up in the Air?’
Saw ‘Avatar’ for the 2nd time today and confirmed that yes, its still stupid. But in all seriousness, I do believe the actress who was mo-capped for the alien girl deserves a best actress nom. Other than that, the film can go fuck itself.
Carey Mulligan, Best Actress.
Jeff Bridges, Best Actor.
Mo'Nique and bad guy from ‘Basterds,’ Supporting.
Bigelow, Director.
‘Up in the Air,’ Best Picture.
What will be your first film watched tomorrow?
Carrie:
I'm watching ‘Cinemania’ tomorrow. It's a documentary about weirdos who have no life and watch like three movies a day every day. So...it will be a harrowing look into my future.
Mo-capped girl was pretty solid. Goofy Science Nerd Sidekick was adorable. Some cool looking aliens...and things I liked about ‘Avatar’ end there. Well, okay, I guess I liked the plot when it was ‘Fern Gully.’ Man did I ever love ‘Fern Gully.’
I was really surprised at how funny ‘Up in the Air’ was. My biggest criticism: I wish they'd mixed the funny parts and the sad parts a little more. When Bingham was being funny, it should have been a little more steeped in sadness--he seems too comfortable and cool in some of the earlier scenes. I thought the use of voice-over in a few parts was a little rough but I'm generally quick to criticize voice-over outside of noir movies.
But overall I really loved it (especially the ending. Boy oh boy I was nuts about that ending). I doubt it will win best picture but it's definitely a shoe-in for a nomination and I certainly think it stands a chance to win something for adapted screenplay.
I'm so behind in watching all the Oscar movies, I barely feel like I can guess at any of the nominations (I almost don't even want to watch this year, though...all of the ‘Avatar’ nominations/possible wins...ugh). Partially it seems like the movies I wanted to watch this year weren't really things the Academy seems to care about right now. I'm still hung up on ‘Moon.’ And the remaining "prestige-ish" movies I want to see are basically... ‘A Single Man’ and ‘Bright Star.’
I guess I can always root for ‘Inglourious Basterds,’ re-ignite my giant Eli Roth crush that had finally gone away, and feel content that the Academy agrees with me.
Rich:
You have a thing for comedic sidekicks, don't you?
Narration in UITA = good. It was witty, let us in on his thinking and gave us all those cool travel tips. Since he was a very solitary figure, didn't it make sense that he'd be constantly talking to himself?
‘Avatar’ narration = bad. Faux 'Heart of Darkness' bullshit that tried to cut corners in showing us what a complicated, conflicted character Jake was. Didn't work.
And there you have perhaps ‘Avatar's’ biggest problem: the bland hero I neither cared about nor believed in. It was ‘Titanic’ without Leo. Jake was never worthy of the alien girl's affections nor the film's need for a hero. I think we both loved the alien girl but there was no arc there; she was a strong character from frame one.
I liked Weaver but by now she's done these types 100 times - literally; Ripley crossed with ‘Gorillas in the Mist.’
I also liked Rodriguez but her shifting alliance from bad to good was as sudden and unexplained as Jake's. None of these characters’ actions were organic but simply things the screenplay made them do because it was convenient to the unoriginal story.
For Best Picture, what other film besides these two really has a chance? 'An Education's' buzz seems to have completely evaporated to the point where I now fear for Mulligan's actress award (Bullock may swoop in and snipe Best Actress).
‘Avatar’ CAN'T win Best Picture because actors make up the largest % of academy voters and they will not vote for something that so excluded them.
I need to go out today and find EW's Oscar issue and see what they have to say. Clooney and Vera are on the cover:)
Carrie:
I guess I have a tendency to prefer a sort of silent solidarity...I think it's significantly more difficult to write and for an actor to convey a character without words, but when it's pulled off successfully, it's very effective (I'm thinking of the first 15 minutes of ‘There Will Be Blood’ in particular here).
That said, you're right: Bingham's not some crazy Plainview character--he does seem to want social interaction, so he would logically just sort of talk to himself (albeit in his head).
‘Precious’ and ‘Hurt Locker’ will both be nominated for Best Picture and I'd say ‘Hurt Locker’ definitely has a fighting chance. I highly doubt it would actually win, but I think ‘Inglourious Basterds’ has a chance of at least being nominated.
Frankly I think the biggest thing ‘Up in the Air’ has going against it is that it IS sort of a comedy.
I remembered another thing I took issue with: the sort of documentary-style talking heads "catching up" on the people who had been fired at the end of the movie. They made sense earlier, but I wasn't sure whether they were supposed to actually be talking to someone or if that was just how Bingham imagined them to be or what.
Comic sidekicks...sure. I'd just generally say losers or nerds. When my friends and I were very, very young and watching ‘Star Wars’ for the first time, while they were all busy talking about their Han Solo crushes, I was into Luke Skywalker. Story of my life.
Rich:
Do you mind if I post this exchange on my blog (with your name hidden)? It would save me from having to write an article.
------------------
Best Picture:
‘Precious’ will get a nomination but it wasn't that good a film to begin with and the backlash has more than caught up with it. It will win for Mo'Nique and nothing else and that alone is a gift.
‘Hurt Locker’ will certainly be nominated and I'd be overjoyed if it won but it's dismal box office sort of preordains it "only" for a history-making Best Director win.
We're forgetting that Pixar's ‘Up’ will probably cross over from animated to Best Picture. While I found the film delightful on first viewing, I have come to loathe the baffling support that has since risen. This is not Pixar's best by a long shot and it's not even best animated film of the year (I'm looking at you, ‘Coraline’) so why all the love for this?
Do we agree that ‘An Education’ and ‘Inglourious Basterds’ will get Best Picture noms? If they are both original screenplays, I think they will be the front-runners for that category, as well.
‘Avatar’ and ‘Up in the Air’ would be Best Pic noms #6 and #7, so what would complete this category? In a perfect world, ‘District 9.’ ‘A Serious Man’ or ‘A Single Man’ or both? ‘The Lovely Bones?’
‘The Blind Side,’ that's what I'm forgetting here! For better or worse, that film is officially a phenom and will without a doubt get Best Pic and Best Actress noms. And so it is written and so it shall be...
I think ‘Invictus,’ ‘Nine’ and ‘The Road’ are all non-starters and DOA at this point.
---------------------
Going back to Zoe Saldana deserving a Best Actress nomination for her motion-capture performance as Neytiri in ‘Avatar’ brings up interesting questions about that film's eligibility in other categories. Do you think it's exempt from Cinematography and Art Direction? On one hand, someone created an entire friggin' planet pretty successfully but on the other, it was created inside a computer. Does that still count? This is starting to get existential…
Carrie:
‘An Education’ is actually an adaptation of a novel. It stands a fair chance of winning if ‘Up in the Air’ doesn't, I'd say.
I think ‘Up’ was pretty phenomenal and while I agree that it's not Pixar's best work (for me, that's ‘Ratatouille’ for sure), as a long-time fan of animation I'm more than happy to see it taken seriously (as opposed to "kids' movies").
I don't think ‘The Lovely Bones’ stands a chance for anything outside of art direction/costuming/SFX awards. I haven't seen it but hasn't it gotten almost universally nonplussed reviews?
I think either ‘Invinctus’ or ‘Nine’ could get a nomination but would not even stand a chance. ‘A Serious Man’ is a definite possibility. Apparently there's been a lot of buzz around ‘(500) Days of Summer's’ chances (which--and I say this as a fan of the movie--I think are totally undeserved).
Still haven't seen ‘The Blind Side’ but you are very right about it.
Isn't this Zoe Saldana question (and its variants) the same one the Academy had to face regarding Andy Serkis as Gollum a few years ago? I think this time around they'll bite the bullet and admit that they have to start recognizing these things.
Feel free to use this stuff. You don't have to hide my name, that's up to you (you could link to my blog/twitter/etc).
Rich:
True Story: SAG is so concerned about the blurring of the use of real actors vs. CGI, they have actually "established a committee to look in to this," a member tells me. "Have you now or ever been a computer graphic?" Ha.
I think the CGI question becomes more relevant every year because the technology just keeps advancing. Yes, it was first brought up with Gollum but the sensors at the time couldn't capture facial features and expressions well so almost everything above the shoulders in his performance was largely computer animated. Not so with Zoe, I'm told. Apparently almost everything about the alien from head to toe is her.
What are the chances this will eventually become a new category? Best fake performance by a real person? And considering the voice work of James Gandolfini in ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ and almost the entire cast of ‘Fantastic Fox,’ when will THAT area get its due?
Rich:
You know, the more I wonder about ‘Avatar's’ chances in the technical categories, the bigger headache I get. Is it eligible for Best Makeup? Can it win any F/X awards when the whole thing is basically one big one? What are the chances this will win the two sound awards and nothing else? I was honestly afraid this had a shot at Best Pic but after seeing it twice and talking to you, that anxiety attack has long passed. In fact, the more I consider Avatar, the more I realize how truly great ‘District 9’ was. D9 is art, ‘Avatar’ is a Happy Meal prize.
Can't you see ‘Basterds’ winning Best Supporting Actor AND Original Screenplay?
Am I wrong in still clinging to the hopes that if ‘District 9’ doesn't get the original screenplay win, it’s you-are-there grimy brilliance can beat the elegant ‘Bright Star’ in Art Direction and Cinematography?
Yes, I too keep seeing ‘500 Days…’ bandied about but aside from noms for Best Picture and Best Screenplay that it can't possibly win, what else could it squeeze from this ceremony?
You know, reading through this whole conversation again, it seems to me to be a pretty weak year overall. In my opinion, ‘Up in the Air’ was utterly perfect, ‘Hurt Locker’ was very good, ‘Basterds’ was a helluva lot of fun, ‘District 9’ still lingers favorably in memory and... that's about it. I think I'd still rather watch ‘Antichrist’ and ‘Paranormal Activity’ again before any of those.
This was a really good pre-nomination talk and I'm very happy I had this with you before I read the EW Oscar issue.
When are the nominations announced? Anything further you'd like to add?
Carrie:
You seem to know way more about the whole struggle with the "to what extent can we consider mo-cap stuff acting vs. animation" than I do. As much as I'd like to discuss it with you, you are way more informed than I am, so I'm afraid it would be pretty fruitless for you.
Man, I didn't even think about how disregarded voice actors are (read: suddenly I am a failure as an animation nerd). I didn't see ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ but I certainly though Ed Asner did an incredible job in ‘Up’ (personally I was not crazy in general about ‘Fantastic Mr. Fox’ and thought the voice acting in particular stuck out like a sore thumb).
Your ‘District 9’/’Avatar’ comparison is solid gold. I would also say it's fine, expensive dark chocolate vs. cheap, extra-sugary milk chocolate. Or maybe a really, really pretty picture of chocolate.
I definitely think ‘Inglourious Basterds’ is a safe pick for Supporting Actor. I'm less certain about Screenplay, but I am apparently the only person in the world who thinks the weakest parts of Taratino's films tend to be the dialogue.
I'm not so sure ‘Bright Star’ will win much of anything. I don't know, I haven't seen it (outside of screencaps of Paul Schneider's magnificent beard). It DOES seem to follow the hoopskirt rule, but then so does ‘The Young Victoria,’ which was released later and is therefore "fresher in the voters' minds" (that's a thing, right?).
I still haven't seen ‘Antichrist’ or ‘Paranormal Activity,’ but I agree with you as far as potential Oscar nominees go. As said, I still really want to see ‘A Single Man’ and (especially) ‘Bright Star’ (and Paul Schneider's magnificent beard), I loved ‘Up in the Air,’ ‘Inglourious Basterds,’ and really liked ‘District 9.’ And I think basically every contender this year for Animated Feature was strong. But I'm more enthusiastic about rewatching ‘In the Loop’ and ‘Moo’n than getting caught up on all these Oscar nominees.
Unless you want to trade ‘New Moon’ jokes I don't have anything to add at the moment. Thanks for a great discussion!
Rich:
Yes, this was awesome. Let's talk again after the nominations come out so we can bitch about how none of the guys from ‘In The Loop’ or ‘A Single Man’ received supporting actor noms.
My very last thoughts are on Best Song. If they were originals, Regina Spektor's two from 500 Days…’ will be in. And it would be the most delicious revenge in the world if that Low Shoulder song from ‘Jennifer's Body’ actually won because I seem to be the only person in the galaxy who liked that film/soundtrack.
Carrie:
Wait I forgot that category existed in which case my dedication to Thom Yorke tells me I should go around telling people the song he wrote for ‘New Moon’ deserves to win. And only be half joking.
I don't remember either of the Regina Spektor songs but I'm guessing Best Song will go...that song from the credits of ‘Avatar,’ something from the ‘Princess and the Frog,’ something from ‘Crazy Heart,’ and that song from the trailer for ‘Nine.’ Uhhh...I have no idea on a fifth song. A Regina Spektor song if either of those were new, I guess. I'm bad at predicting the winner of this category, but the nominees are usually cinch.
Rich:
That ‘Avatar’ song was like the final dagger to the chest. The next time Commander Cameron is rattling on about his craft and changing the film industry, someone should ask him about that. It’s so out of place, I think ‘New Moon’ would get a slot before that one.
Yes to ‘C. Heart.’
Yes to probable ‘Frog’ songs.
‘Nine’ turned out so badly, I dunno. I'm really going out of my way to block it from my mind.
There was actually one new ‘Fame’ song that didn't suck.
Carrie:
Quality is barely a concern in that category. "Best song out of the movies we've declared Oscar worthy even though the song only played in the credits and was possibly written by Enya."
Rich:
Nice:) Perfect place to end this for now.
/end transcript
Carrie's blog, Cinemaniacal, here.
Rich:
So what did you think of ‘Up in the Air?’
Saw ‘Avatar’ for the 2nd time today and confirmed that yes, its still stupid. But in all seriousness, I do believe the actress who was mo-capped for the alien girl deserves a best actress nom. Other than that, the film can go fuck itself.
Carey Mulligan, Best Actress.
Jeff Bridges, Best Actor.
Mo'Nique and bad guy from ‘Basterds,’ Supporting.
Bigelow, Director.
‘Up in the Air,’ Best Picture.
What will be your first film watched tomorrow?
Carrie:
I'm watching ‘Cinemania’ tomorrow. It's a documentary about weirdos who have no life and watch like three movies a day every day. So...it will be a harrowing look into my future.
Mo-capped girl was pretty solid. Goofy Science Nerd Sidekick was adorable. Some cool looking aliens...and things I liked about ‘Avatar’ end there. Well, okay, I guess I liked the plot when it was ‘Fern Gully.’ Man did I ever love ‘Fern Gully.’
I was really surprised at how funny ‘Up in the Air’ was. My biggest criticism: I wish they'd mixed the funny parts and the sad parts a little more. When Bingham was being funny, it should have been a little more steeped in sadness--he seems too comfortable and cool in some of the earlier scenes. I thought the use of voice-over in a few parts was a little rough but I'm generally quick to criticize voice-over outside of noir movies.
But overall I really loved it (especially the ending. Boy oh boy I was nuts about that ending). I doubt it will win best picture but it's definitely a shoe-in for a nomination and I certainly think it stands a chance to win something for adapted screenplay.
I'm so behind in watching all the Oscar movies, I barely feel like I can guess at any of the nominations (I almost don't even want to watch this year, though...all of the ‘Avatar’ nominations/possible wins...ugh). Partially it seems like the movies I wanted to watch this year weren't really things the Academy seems to care about right now. I'm still hung up on ‘Moon.’ And the remaining "prestige-ish" movies I want to see are basically... ‘A Single Man’ and ‘Bright Star.’
I guess I can always root for ‘Inglourious Basterds,’ re-ignite my giant Eli Roth crush that had finally gone away, and feel content that the Academy agrees with me.
Rich:
You have a thing for comedic sidekicks, don't you?
Narration in UITA = good. It was witty, let us in on his thinking and gave us all those cool travel tips. Since he was a very solitary figure, didn't it make sense that he'd be constantly talking to himself?
‘Avatar’ narration = bad. Faux 'Heart of Darkness' bullshit that tried to cut corners in showing us what a complicated, conflicted character Jake was. Didn't work.
And there you have perhaps ‘Avatar's’ biggest problem: the bland hero I neither cared about nor believed in. It was ‘Titanic’ without Leo. Jake was never worthy of the alien girl's affections nor the film's need for a hero. I think we both loved the alien girl but there was no arc there; she was a strong character from frame one.
I liked Weaver but by now she's done these types 100 times - literally; Ripley crossed with ‘Gorillas in the Mist.’
I also liked Rodriguez but her shifting alliance from bad to good was as sudden and unexplained as Jake's. None of these characters’ actions were organic but simply things the screenplay made them do because it was convenient to the unoriginal story.
For Best Picture, what other film besides these two really has a chance? 'An Education's' buzz seems to have completely evaporated to the point where I now fear for Mulligan's actress award (Bullock may swoop in and snipe Best Actress).
‘Avatar’ CAN'T win Best Picture because actors make up the largest % of academy voters and they will not vote for something that so excluded them.
I need to go out today and find EW's Oscar issue and see what they have to say. Clooney and Vera are on the cover:)
Carrie:
I guess I have a tendency to prefer a sort of silent solidarity...I think it's significantly more difficult to write and for an actor to convey a character without words, but when it's pulled off successfully, it's very effective (I'm thinking of the first 15 minutes of ‘There Will Be Blood’ in particular here).
That said, you're right: Bingham's not some crazy Plainview character--he does seem to want social interaction, so he would logically just sort of talk to himself (albeit in his head).
‘Precious’ and ‘Hurt Locker’ will both be nominated for Best Picture and I'd say ‘Hurt Locker’ definitely has a fighting chance. I highly doubt it would actually win, but I think ‘Inglourious Basterds’ has a chance of at least being nominated.
Frankly I think the biggest thing ‘Up in the Air’ has going against it is that it IS sort of a comedy.
I remembered another thing I took issue with: the sort of documentary-style talking heads "catching up" on the people who had been fired at the end of the movie. They made sense earlier, but I wasn't sure whether they were supposed to actually be talking to someone or if that was just how Bingham imagined them to be or what.
Comic sidekicks...sure. I'd just generally say losers or nerds. When my friends and I were very, very young and watching ‘Star Wars’ for the first time, while they were all busy talking about their Han Solo crushes, I was into Luke Skywalker. Story of my life.
Rich:
Do you mind if I post this exchange on my blog (with your name hidden)? It would save me from having to write an article.
------------------
Best Picture:
‘Precious’ will get a nomination but it wasn't that good a film to begin with and the backlash has more than caught up with it. It will win for Mo'Nique and nothing else and that alone is a gift.
‘Hurt Locker’ will certainly be nominated and I'd be overjoyed if it won but it's dismal box office sort of preordains it "only" for a history-making Best Director win.
We're forgetting that Pixar's ‘Up’ will probably cross over from animated to Best Picture. While I found the film delightful on first viewing, I have come to loathe the baffling support that has since risen. This is not Pixar's best by a long shot and it's not even best animated film of the year (I'm looking at you, ‘Coraline’) so why all the love for this?
Do we agree that ‘An Education’ and ‘Inglourious Basterds’ will get Best Picture noms? If they are both original screenplays, I think they will be the front-runners for that category, as well.
‘Avatar’ and ‘Up in the Air’ would be Best Pic noms #6 and #7, so what would complete this category? In a perfect world, ‘District 9.’ ‘A Serious Man’ or ‘A Single Man’ or both? ‘The Lovely Bones?’
‘The Blind Side,’ that's what I'm forgetting here! For better or worse, that film is officially a phenom and will without a doubt get Best Pic and Best Actress noms. And so it is written and so it shall be...
I think ‘Invictus,’ ‘Nine’ and ‘The Road’ are all non-starters and DOA at this point.
---------------------
Going back to Zoe Saldana deserving a Best Actress nomination for her motion-capture performance as Neytiri in ‘Avatar’ brings up interesting questions about that film's eligibility in other categories. Do you think it's exempt from Cinematography and Art Direction? On one hand, someone created an entire friggin' planet pretty successfully but on the other, it was created inside a computer. Does that still count? This is starting to get existential…
Carrie:
‘An Education’ is actually an adaptation of a novel. It stands a fair chance of winning if ‘Up in the Air’ doesn't, I'd say.
I think ‘Up’ was pretty phenomenal and while I agree that it's not Pixar's best work (for me, that's ‘Ratatouille’ for sure), as a long-time fan of animation I'm more than happy to see it taken seriously (as opposed to "kids' movies").
I don't think ‘The Lovely Bones’ stands a chance for anything outside of art direction/costuming/SFX awards. I haven't seen it but hasn't it gotten almost universally nonplussed reviews?
I think either ‘Invinctus’ or ‘Nine’ could get a nomination but would not even stand a chance. ‘A Serious Man’ is a definite possibility. Apparently there's been a lot of buzz around ‘(500) Days of Summer's’ chances (which--and I say this as a fan of the movie--I think are totally undeserved).
Still haven't seen ‘The Blind Side’ but you are very right about it.
Isn't this Zoe Saldana question (and its variants) the same one the Academy had to face regarding Andy Serkis as Gollum a few years ago? I think this time around they'll bite the bullet and admit that they have to start recognizing these things.
Feel free to use this stuff. You don't have to hide my name, that's up to you (you could link to my blog/twitter/etc).
Rich:
True Story: SAG is so concerned about the blurring of the use of real actors vs. CGI, they have actually "established a committee to look in to this," a member tells me. "Have you now or ever been a computer graphic?" Ha.
I think the CGI question becomes more relevant every year because the technology just keeps advancing. Yes, it was first brought up with Gollum but the sensors at the time couldn't capture facial features and expressions well so almost everything above the shoulders in his performance was largely computer animated. Not so with Zoe, I'm told. Apparently almost everything about the alien from head to toe is her.
What are the chances this will eventually become a new category? Best fake performance by a real person? And considering the voice work of James Gandolfini in ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ and almost the entire cast of ‘Fantastic Fox,’ when will THAT area get its due?
Rich:
You know, the more I wonder about ‘Avatar's’ chances in the technical categories, the bigger headache I get. Is it eligible for Best Makeup? Can it win any F/X awards when the whole thing is basically one big one? What are the chances this will win the two sound awards and nothing else? I was honestly afraid this had a shot at Best Pic but after seeing it twice and talking to you, that anxiety attack has long passed. In fact, the more I consider Avatar, the more I realize how truly great ‘District 9’ was. D9 is art, ‘Avatar’ is a Happy Meal prize.
Can't you see ‘Basterds’ winning Best Supporting Actor AND Original Screenplay?
Am I wrong in still clinging to the hopes that if ‘District 9’ doesn't get the original screenplay win, it’s you-are-there grimy brilliance can beat the elegant ‘Bright Star’ in Art Direction and Cinematography?
Yes, I too keep seeing ‘500 Days…’ bandied about but aside from noms for Best Picture and Best Screenplay that it can't possibly win, what else could it squeeze from this ceremony?
You know, reading through this whole conversation again, it seems to me to be a pretty weak year overall. In my opinion, ‘Up in the Air’ was utterly perfect, ‘Hurt Locker’ was very good, ‘Basterds’ was a helluva lot of fun, ‘District 9’ still lingers favorably in memory and... that's about it. I think I'd still rather watch ‘Antichrist’ and ‘Paranormal Activity’ again before any of those.
This was a really good pre-nomination talk and I'm very happy I had this with you before I read the EW Oscar issue.
When are the nominations announced? Anything further you'd like to add?
Carrie:
You seem to know way more about the whole struggle with the "to what extent can we consider mo-cap stuff acting vs. animation" than I do. As much as I'd like to discuss it with you, you are way more informed than I am, so I'm afraid it would be pretty fruitless for you.
Man, I didn't even think about how disregarded voice actors are (read: suddenly I am a failure as an animation nerd). I didn't see ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ but I certainly though Ed Asner did an incredible job in ‘Up’ (personally I was not crazy in general about ‘Fantastic Mr. Fox’ and thought the voice acting in particular stuck out like a sore thumb).
Your ‘District 9’/’Avatar’ comparison is solid gold. I would also say it's fine, expensive dark chocolate vs. cheap, extra-sugary milk chocolate. Or maybe a really, really pretty picture of chocolate.
I definitely think ‘Inglourious Basterds’ is a safe pick for Supporting Actor. I'm less certain about Screenplay, but I am apparently the only person in the world who thinks the weakest parts of Taratino's films tend to be the dialogue.
I'm not so sure ‘Bright Star’ will win much of anything. I don't know, I haven't seen it (outside of screencaps of Paul Schneider's magnificent beard). It DOES seem to follow the hoopskirt rule, but then so does ‘The Young Victoria,’ which was released later and is therefore "fresher in the voters' minds" (that's a thing, right?).
I still haven't seen ‘Antichrist’ or ‘Paranormal Activity,’ but I agree with you as far as potential Oscar nominees go. As said, I still really want to see ‘A Single Man’ and (especially) ‘Bright Star’ (and Paul Schneider's magnificent beard), I loved ‘Up in the Air,’ ‘Inglourious Basterds,’ and really liked ‘District 9.’ And I think basically every contender this year for Animated Feature was strong. But I'm more enthusiastic about rewatching ‘In the Loop’ and ‘Moo’n than getting caught up on all these Oscar nominees.
Unless you want to trade ‘New Moon’ jokes I don't have anything to add at the moment. Thanks for a great discussion!
Rich:
Yes, this was awesome. Let's talk again after the nominations come out so we can bitch about how none of the guys from ‘In The Loop’ or ‘A Single Man’ received supporting actor noms.
My very last thoughts are on Best Song. If they were originals, Regina Spektor's two from 500 Days…’ will be in. And it would be the most delicious revenge in the world if that Low Shoulder song from ‘Jennifer's Body’ actually won because I seem to be the only person in the galaxy who liked that film/soundtrack.
Carrie:
Wait I forgot that category existed in which case my dedication to Thom Yorke tells me I should go around telling people the song he wrote for ‘New Moon’ deserves to win. And only be half joking.
I don't remember either of the Regina Spektor songs but I'm guessing Best Song will go...that song from the credits of ‘Avatar,’ something from the ‘Princess and the Frog,’ something from ‘Crazy Heart,’ and that song from the trailer for ‘Nine.’ Uhhh...I have no idea on a fifth song. A Regina Spektor song if either of those were new, I guess. I'm bad at predicting the winner of this category, but the nominees are usually cinch.
Rich:
That ‘Avatar’ song was like the final dagger to the chest. The next time Commander Cameron is rattling on about his craft and changing the film industry, someone should ask him about that. It’s so out of place, I think ‘New Moon’ would get a slot before that one.
Yes to ‘C. Heart.’
Yes to probable ‘Frog’ songs.
‘Nine’ turned out so badly, I dunno. I'm really going out of my way to block it from my mind.
There was actually one new ‘Fame’ song that didn't suck.
Carrie:
Quality is barely a concern in that category. "Best song out of the movies we've declared Oscar worthy even though the song only played in the credits and was possibly written by Enya."
Rich:
Nice:) Perfect place to end this for now.
/end transcript
Carrie's blog, Cinemaniacal, here.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Jacked-in People Suck
...because the only thing more annoying than someone's cell phone ringing is hearing that person complain about that ringing.
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